In a Nutshell

 

 

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

 

 

It is a Saturday, a sunny and cold day in Toronto.  In 1993, February 6^th was a Saturday, it was sunny in the morning and cold, the roads were slippery (talk about signs!!!), but then it warmed up enough for a real snow storm in the night.

 

So, today is my wedding anniversary with my first husband to whom I am no longer married.  I am not divorced from him either.  The divorce is still in the process…

 

I often wonder when the break up really happened and who broke what… and honestly I don’t know.  The saddest part is that I still care.  The best part is… well, the best part remains to be discovered.

 

Another chapter in my journey.  As much as I am unable to do anything these days or write anything, I could not miss this day.  I should make a post.  And, surprisingly enough it turns out to be the post # 342 (here it comes again, my number 42).  Madness?  Eccentricity? 

 

 

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience…”

 

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman.

 

 

“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”

 

 

“I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can’t be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn’t happened. But weddings always make me cry.” – Brendan Behan (1923-64) Irish playwright.

 

 

“Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.”

 

 

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – George Burns.

 

 

“Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.” – Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), British philosopher, Marriage and Morals.

 

 

“Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.” – Jim Backus.

 

 

“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates.

 

 

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.” –Cher

February 6th, 2010 | Tags: 42, Chapters, divorce, eccentricity, experience, funeral, hope, imagination, intelligence, love, madness, marriage, philosophy, prostitution, secret, signs, suffering, triumph, wedding | Category: Chapters, English | | Leave a comment

I like this clip because if you don’t know the words, it rends itself for creating a rather beautiful story about LIGHT.

 

The lyrics are rather strange, yet… who knows why I like this song?

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6JcmQgx1fg&feature=related 

 

I am alone…

 

You are alone, you are without me like the wind

Leave so nobody will take notice

Leave behind my back

I am fine without you

 

 

Maybe one of the reasons that I like this song is that I am in the “parting” mode.  Today is only Day 2.

 

 

Уходи, чтобы никто и не заметил…

 

Уходи так, чтоб никто и не заметил
Уходи за моей спиной
Мне уже хорошо одной

 

 

 

Одна…

 

 

Я одна, я без тебя стою с тобою

Я – вина, моя вина перед собою

Мне бы сделать один лишь шаг

Чтобы быть все могло не так

И чтобы было с чего начать

Не молчать…

 

 

Одна на небе сна

Одна ниточка боль

Я в туман собрала

Из разлуки с тобой

Из обиды стена

Одна посреди нас

Я с тобою одна

Одна завтра, сейчас

 

 

Ты один, ты без меня один, как ветер

Уходи так, чтоб никто и не заметил

Уходи за моей спиной

Мне уже хорошо одной

Я как в небе сестра Луна

Одна…

 

 

Одна на небе сна

Одна ниточка боль

Я в туман собрала

Из разлуки с тобой

Из обиды стена

Одна посреди нас

Я с тобою одна

Одна завтра, сейчас

 

 

Долго друг друга помнили – не помнили

Мы ничего не поняли, не поняли

Как мы с тобой то верили – не верили

Так я теперь одна, теперь одна

 

 

Одна на небе сна

Одна ниточка боль

Я в туман собрала

Из разлуки с тобой

Из обиды стена

Одна посреди нас

Я с тобою одна

Одна завтра, сейчас

 

 

Одна…

Я одна, одна без тебя

February 5th, 2010 | Tags: light, love, lyrics, pain, Songs | Category: Chapters, English, Russian, Songs, Songs in Russian Language | | Leave a comment

 

Trying to stick to the theme – LOVE.  I fell in love but again not with a person, but with an illusion.  I will see how February turns out.  I made a resolution – to disappear from his horizon starting February 1^st.  Keeping resolutions is, of course, much harder than making them.  So, we talked on February 3^rd.  Does not matter.  From now on, I have to disappear…

 

Why would I want to forget?

 

 

I cannot write. About anything.  Yes, that bad.

 

Forget about love.  Not happening.

 

Not making love, not falling in love.

 

Only forgetting.

 

I will forget, forget, forget…………………………………………………………………

 

 

 

“You will not touch my heart”

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0aO5ZVK_C4

 

You will not touch my heart;

you will not take it and break it.

Just go and never return.

Without you, I will still be alive.

My pain… I cannot describe it. I am having a conversation with my Pain.

Yet, it will go away, too.

 

My wings, I will give them to passers-by…

There is only one thing left, to replace love with something else…

 

 

Point of No Return. Countdown: Ready, set, go!!!

 

Conversation:

 

He:       I will return.

Me:      You will forget about my existence in a month or two.

            And, no, you will not return.

He:       No, I will not forget. Maybe you will forget me in a month.

 

 

So, the clock is set. Ciao, darling, ciao. Let’s see who is more forgetful.  Not that I don’t know.  I wish I could forget so easily.  It is a skill, maybe I should master it?

 

Another skill to master – insight – trusting intuition.

 

Why did I fall in love with non-entity?

 

When it is hopeless, should I still hope?

 

Maybe I should.  There must be the one who would be able to return my feelings.  That clock has been set when I was born.  Still nobody is in sight… insight.

 

 

Tango – When it is hopeless

 

«Знать и чувствовать, что злое «никогда» – не просто слово, а моя судьба, что учит без надежды жить любя…»

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyooF_UTJAk&feature=related

 

 

To know and feel that spiteful “never” is not just a word, but my fate that teaches me to continue living with love and without hope…

February 4th, 2010 | Tags: Conversations, existence, fate, heart, hopes, love, love story, pain, point, point of no return | Category: Chapters, Conversations, English, Songs in Russian Language | | Leave a comment

My favourite author, Victor Pelevin, has penned a novel “Numbers”.  The main character is obsessed with numbers.  His secret and favourite number is 34.  The evil number is its opposite 43.  Of course, you have to read the novel to get the idea and enjoyment.

 

I love Pelevin’s style.  “Dialectics of transitional period from nowhere to nowhere”.

 

 

Coming back to my own insanity.  I just realized that today is the day 42.

 

4^th February, 2010 – 42 for those who remember that 42 is my number.  We’ll see if the number has any significance.  It is always “either…or”  Either it has significance or not.  I am not obsessed with it, but now it tends to jump out.  I guess my eye is trained now to pick 42 out of the crowd.

February 4th, 2010 | Tags: 42, dialectics, insanity, numbers, Victor Pelevin | Category: Chapters, English | | Leave a comment