Inspired by the conversation with my friend.

“Veni,Vidi,Vici” means:

“I came, I saw, I conquered”

-Julius Caesar-

The famous expression “Veni,Vidi,Vici” (”I came, I saw, I conquered”) applied to certain people with the motto “Cool-headed, hot-hearted professionals with clean hands” has been eloquently transformed by Victor Pelevin into

“f-cked, killed, buried, dug out and f-cked again”

and, trust me, it is an understatement.

Виктор Пелевин «Числа»

- …Не для себя стараюсь.  Ты хоть знаешь, сколько людей в цепочке,

Стёпа вспомнил, что недавно, совсем в другой вселенной, уже слышал эту фразу.

-         Знаю, – сказал он. – Вся страна.

-         Это раньше была вся страна.  А теперь всеь свободный мир, понял, нет?  И несвободный мир тоже.

-         Понял, понял.  Классная у тебя работа, Лебёдкин.  Пришёл, увидел, победил.

-         Это раньше было – пришёл, увидел, победил, – хохотнул Лебёдкин.  А теперь знаешь как?  Вы-бал, убил, закопал, раскопал и опять вы-бал.  Темп жизни совсем другой.

Discourse

When I talk about definitions, I think it is important.  For me, at least.

A discourse – a conversation, talk. (apart from other meanings).

Origin: Latin dis – in different directions + currere – run.

An example?  Oh, my goodness!  I often listen to the songs on the www.youtube.com.  And how many times I had encountered absolutely insane conversations!  Most of the time I just don’t even pay attention to what is there.  But once I was asked whether I am aware of the discussions under the clips.  Then I sort of started paying attention.

I picked a clip teaching beginners’ steps for Salsa.  And a discourse jewel on top.  Here it is – a priceless example of meanness and creativity.  And one of the participants had a good point, when he mentioned the importance of definitions.

************************************************************************

Participant 1:

Following your line of thinking, Spanish is actually a retarded deformation of Latin and Arabic.

Notwithstanding the fact that you are unaware of the definition of the words:

1) retarded

2) language

3) dialect

the fact remains that you are neither intelligent, nor insightful, nor useful as a human being. I hereby order you, in the name of the survival of the species, to cease existing immediately.

************************************************************************

I was just wondering what drives those conversations.  Some people would say anger.  But I am beginning to think that it is pure loneliness.  Maybe both.

Quotes on Discourse:

1. “All discourses but my own afflict me; they seem harsh, impertinent, and irksome”

(Ben Jonson)

 

2. “Of our thinking it is but the upper surface that we shape into articulate thought; underneath the region of argument and conscious discourse lies the region of meditation.”

(Thomas Carlyle)

 

3. “It’s our tendency to approach every problem as if it were a fight between two sides. We see it in headlines that are always using metaphors for war. It’s a general atmosphere of animosity and contention that has taken over our public discourse.”

(Deborah Tannen)

4. “The only privilege literature deserves – and this privilege it requires in order to exist – is the privilege of being in the arena of discourse, the place where the struggle of our languages can be acted out.”

(Salman Rushdie)

 

5. “Discourse may want an animated “No”

 

To brush the surface, and to make it flow;

 

But still remember, if you mean to please,

 

To press your point with modesty and ease.”

(William Cowper)

 

6. “The failures of the press have contributed immensely to the emergence of a talk-show nation, in which public discourse is reduced to ranting and raving and posturing.”

(Carl Bernstein)

Trying to stick to the theme – LOVE.  I fell in love but again not with a person, but with an illusion.  I will see how February turns out.  I made a resolution – to disappear from his horizon starting February 1^st.  Keeping resolutions is, of course, much harder than making them.  So, we talked on February 3^rd.  Does not matter.  From now on, I have to disappear…

Why would I want to forget?

I cannot write. About anything.  Yes, that bad.

Forget about love.  Not happening.

Not making love, not falling in love.

Only forgetting.

I will forget, forget, forget…………………………………………………………………

“You will not touch my heart”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0aO5ZVK_C4

You will not touch my heart;

you will not take it and break it.

Just go and never return.

Without you, I will still be alive.

My pain… I cannot describe it. I am having a conversation with my Pain.

Yet, it will go away, too.

My wings, I will give them to passers-by…

There is only one thing left, to replace love with something else…

Point of No Return. Countdown: Ready, set, go!!!

Conversation:

He:       I will return.

Me:      You will forget about my existence in a month or two.

            And, no, you will not return.

He:       No, I will not forget. Maybe you will forget me in a month.

So, the clock is set. Ciao, darling, ciao. Let’s see who is more forgetful.  Not that I don’t know.  I wish I could forget so easily.  It is a skill, maybe I should master it?

Another skill to master – insight – trusting intuition.

Why did I fall in love with non-entity?

When it is hopeless, should I still hope?

Maybe I should.  There must be the one who would be able to return my feelings.  That clock has been set when I was born.  Still nobody is in sight… insight.

Tango – When it is hopeless

«Знать и чувствовать, что злое «никогда» – не просто слово, а моя судьба, что учит без надежды жить любя…»

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyooF_UTJAk&feature=related

To know and feel that spiteful “never” is not just a word, but my fate that teaches me to continue living with love and without hope…

My Next Calling

My next calling was discovered by my darling – “Mein Lieber A.”, Mr. “And your point being?”, “Mi Amore”, Mr. “I never promised you anything”, Mr. “I am Beautiful”, Mr. Denial (well, I am being creative with nicknames!)

I do have a soft spot for him, obviously.  He doesn’t reciprocate, but that is fine, it is to be expected.

He does not have such a good memory and my ability to pay attention and remember some of his words is the source of irritation for him.  Once he gave me permission to kick him out of his complacent condition, yet when I did, he did not like it all that much.  That is to be expected, too.

Quoting:

“If you wish to devote all your energy to keeping tabs on me on what I say then you may have found your next calling.”

I wish I had such sharp memory to remember everything he said, but I don’t.  But some things just stay, what can I do?

Certain sentences are repeated so many times, they become fixtures, motifs, cornerstones, whatever name you want to use.  “I never promised you anything” and “And your point being is?” are just a few of them.

Some sentences are just worth remembering.

“I never once refused not to help you.”

 

“I am beautiful.”

 

“I […] enter this forest at its darkest point; for it is at the darkest moment we see the light.”

How about that?

The best thing about him is not my infatuation, however sweet, intoxicating, euphoric and painful it might be, but the fact that he inspires me in a sense.  Is it he I like or my own reflection in him; for we can only see ourselves reflected in others?

Maybe I am not Light enough (my name literally means “Light”) for him to see, or maybe he is not in that dark forest anymore.  Maybe he never was there.  Of course, I am joking.  Most people (he is not an exception) take things way too seriously.

So my next calling is not to remember him and his every word, but to discover that Light within me that will bring me happiness and harmony.  Whether I can light anybody else’s life or not, we will see.  Discovering that Light would be my Success.  Yes, that one that is usually defined (limited!) by perseverance.

Talking about names!

“There’s a scientific hypothesis that every person’s name is a primary suggestive command that contains the entire script of their life in highly concentrated form. . . . According to this point of view, there is only a limited number of names, because society only needs a limited number of human types. Just a few models of worker and warrior ants, if I could put it like that. And everybody’s psyche is preprogrammed at a basic level by the associative semantic fields that their first name and surname activate.”
— Victor Pelevin (The Sacred Book of the Werewolf

If that is right, I must be Light.  The question is what Light is and what to do with it.

Quotes on the subject.

1. Love is not consolation.  It is light.  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

 

2. Someday perhaps the inner light will shine forth from us, and then we’ll need no other light.  ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

3. Light gives of itself freely, filling all available space.  It does not seek anything in return; it asks not whether you are friend or foe.  It gives of itself and is not thereby diminished.  ~Michael Strassfeld

 

4. We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.  ~Mary Dunbar

 

5. Light, when suddenly let in, dazzles and hurts and almost blinds us: but this soon passes away, and it seems to become the only element we can exist in.  ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

 

6. Light can be gentle, dangerous, dreamlike, bare, living, dead, misty, clear, hot, dark, violet, springlike, falling, straight, sensual, limited, poisonous, calm and soft.  ~Sven Nykvist

 

7. The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come.  At the darkest moment comes the light.  ~Joseph Campbell

 

8. Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.  ~Kahlil Gibran

 

9. Your life is something opaque, not transparent, as long as you look at it in an ordinary human way.  But if you hold it up against the light of God’s goodness, it shines and turns transparent, radiant and bright.  And then you ask yourself in amazement:  Is this really my own life I see before me?  ~Albert Schweitzer

 

10. An age is called “dark,” not because the light fails to shine but because people refuse to see it.  ~James Michener

Coming back to

“I never once refused not to help you.”  He did help me.  By making me amorous, by irritating me, by making me think, by inspiring me.

“Why do you want to be infatuated with me?”  It was not my choice, mi amore, but it felt good, why is it so difficult to understand?  But he does not have to understand; searching for the Light and Meanings is my journey.

So there I go, full of Love in my heart and Hope and Light………………………………..

“And Your Point being?” versus “Do you have a sense of humour?”

“Mein Lieber A.” (a friend of mine) and I had a few conversations and most of them ended up by him asking the question “And your point being?” and me asking “Do you have a sense of humour?”

I know he does.  But sometimes it becomes a bit frustrating when my jokes totally miss the target.  Wait, do jokes have targets?  Like cannons?  They do and they don’t.

I looked up the word “humour”.  Apparently I did not know all of its meanings.

“A state of mind; mood; disposition” – does not seem to be far out.

“A fancy; whim”

“Any of various body fluids formerly supposed to determine a person’s health and disposition.  They were blood, phlegm, choler (yellow bile), and melancholy (black bile).”

Surprise, surprise!

If you have to think of it, it might seem funny – that our sense of humour is derived from bodily fluids.  The word “humour” itself means in its origin fluid.

Maybe because humour is fluid and elusive.  I doubt it, though.

Well, anyways, the most common meaning of “Sense of Humour” now is “the ability to see or show the funny or amusing side of things.”

Some quotes on the subject.

Humor is the harmony of the heart. (Douglas William Jerrold)

 

Humor is the affectionate communication of insight. (Leo Rosten)

 

What an ornament and safeguard is humor!

Far better than wit for a poet and writer.

It is a genius itself, and so defends from the insanities.  (Sir Walter Scott)

What is humour for me?  Everything.  Salvation. Absolution.  State of mind (absolutely!).  My style of communication.  And without a sense of humour there is no mutual understanding.  Humour is my life.  My anchor. Or my wings? Oh, well, maybe a painkiller once in a while.  Whatever it is, of whatever quality (right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate, light, dark), it is mine and mine only, it can never be taken from me.  Well, unless I lose my mind.

And what is my mind?

What I mean is

It is very much a rough draft, but there won’t be a final version.  This is my diary, my writing space, and my attempt to get to the Point Of Things.  For that, I have to get out of the mess, I had got myself into.

So free writing in a free style.  Flying Free…………

I have been told and admired and complimented on the clearness of my thinking and the ability to express myself.  But sometimes when I get to be too clear, people get offended, so I have to learn how to use the words to do the opposite.  Cloud and disguise the meaning or just say something and mean nothing.  The best thing is, of course, to remain silent, but it is not always possible and that, too, might be regarded offensive.  Moreover, I have to work on my ability to resist temptation to react to whatever is around me.  Maybe just hold it for a while and take it to a different place and then go ahead with self-expression.  The best place is where nobody is around!

And then SCREAM: “What the F-CK!”  or “What a F-cking Day!”

I wish I had a screaming place, but I don’t.  Well, moving on.

Apparently, we miscommunicate quite often.  If not always.  We misunderstand.  Each other, ourselves.  We don’t bother to check once in a while if we use words in its proper meaning.  What are the dictionaries for?  Who cares?  I do.

Sometimes, I ask people to define or explain.  Not for fun, but to get to the core of things.  So we get closer to mutual understanding.  My words are balance and harmony, not f-words (like Frustration).  But mutual understanding more often than not turns out to be “mission impossible”.  “Definition Game” can be funny, ridiculous, or downright depressing.  People are offended when they realize that they cannot define even the most common words on the spot.  I know it is not such an easy task, to begin with, but it should make us think, find out, analyze, do some cleaning in our minds.  Clean our language.  Believe it or not, it is doable.

Cleaning

Let me call it Spring Cleaning.  But it is January, I have been told.  So?  Do you have a sense of humour?  What is sense of humour?  Whose?  Mine, yours.  Or mine is definitely or definitively of a wrong type.  That I’ve been told, too.  What is right? What is wrong?  Do you have an idea of conversations I sometimes get myself into?  But I am clearly out of my mind.  So is everybody else, by the way.  Out of my mind, that is.  Do I have a point?  There you go.  So, we have something in common, collectively being out of my mind.

You can relax, I am just playing with words.  The point is…  The point is Point Zero. 

That was one of my posts in the very beginning.

http://www.altrealm.com/english/conversations/2008-08-30/what-is-your-point/

What I mean is…  Isn’t it the hardest things to explain, what the hell we mean, when we ourselves have no idea.  Well, most of the time.

So, I am doing some cleaning in my room, in my life and at the same time, I just keep notes.

Let’s play a definition game.

Let’s define a…  Wait, what is a definition?  Why don’t I start with the definition of a definition?

I will make it short.

A definition is an essence an explanation.

Definitive is conclusive, final. Or.  Limiting, defining, distinguishing.

So, every definition is limiting by its nature.

Going back to the root of the word:  definire <de – from + finis – boundary>

Problem solved.  Define means to set or settle limits.

And there is example from the dictionary.

Perseverance usually defines success.

Reframing è Perseverance usually limits success.

I will not be defining now “perseverance”, “usually”, or especially “success”.  What an thankless task!  I am not quite sure if I made things clearer, or messed them slightly up, but at least I can laugh at it.  That is one of the ways I can entertain myself with.

Once a friend of mine, Oleg, told a joke and nobody was laughing, but him.  Being young and not always considerate, I asked him quite bluntly, why do you laugh alone?  Is it not a sign of stupidity?  He simply said, “so what, if nobody laughs, why should I refrain myself?”  Not only have I remembered this story for so long, but now I can see his point.  If nobody entertains me, I can do it myself.  And I had become an expert in it by now.

So, was it my perseverance that defined (limited) my success?

But what is success?  Especially mine?

I have only “published” insane conversations so far.  But this one was a good one.  It would be even better if we actually met.  We did not.  But, I enjoyed talking to this man.  So, here it goes:

He: nice top 

She: the best part is actually my brain

He: that’s what meant

She: yeah, right!!!!!!!!!!!

He: cross my heart

He: (didn’t mind your outfit though

She: Let me pretend I believe you. I love playing a moron – it is so much fun!

He: your far too witty for that

He: (and sexy)

She: you have no idea!

He: about your wit or your sexuality?

She: I am afraid – both, men routinely run away from me – it is not funny anymore

He: I’ve never been much of a runner – more of a cyclist

He: and I do love to “ride”

He: so why do men run from you

She: Oh?

She: intimidated

He: really – I love a confident woman – very sexy

She: you will be put to test

He: really – how so

He: I’m getting excited already

She: that is only face to face

She: tet a tet

He: sounds like fun – sort of like close personal contact

He: (did I tell you I love to be teased)

She: really? why?

He: it’s fun. Love the sensation of excitement. Love to please. Love to make things last

He: for both me and my partner

He: ok – I’m assuming that a confident woman like yourself enjoys the effect you have on a man

She: no, not really, I am still looking for someone equal or someone who can challenge me

He: intellectually, I assume

She: both

He: something tells me we just might get along

She: would be nice

She: tell me more about yourself

He: single, never married, bit of a solitary creature but gregarious at times

He: looking for a friend and a lover

She: how come you have not found one yet?

He: good question. Not sure. Maybe I’m looking for a mistress

He: a confident – a friend and a lover

He: with whom to explore

He: a woman who is confident in herself and her sexuality

She: I am not sure I am the ONE

He: why do you say that – what are you looking for

She: a friend and a lover to go steady for a while

She: tired of looking and not finding the ONE

She: I was married for 16 years

He: I think we may have much in common – what do you enjoy

She: dancing

He: tell me about you

He: I’d love to watch you dance

He: that would be very sexy

She: maybe

He: maybe you would dance for me or maybe it would be sexy

She: it is always sexy

He: I’m starting to think you need a man who would help you unleash yourself, your passions and your fantasies

She: you are close

He: you need a man with whom you could be yourself

She: true

He: and a man with whom you could explore your passions

He: your fantasies

He: and your desires

She: are you trying to seduce me?

He: yes

She: keep going

He: how am I doing?

He: you need a man with whom you feel comfortable enough to be sexually free, with whom you could explore your passions and “let go”

She: what is your sign? 

He: Libra

She: ok

He: ok?

She: as long as you are not a Taurus

He: that would be a lot of bull – I’m apparently well balanced – and you

He: what brings you here – what are you looking for

She: I am a Halloween Girl 

She: All my significant men were Tauruses – too many to be a mere coincidence

He: and you are no longer looking for a Taurus – what are you looking for

He: do you know

She: The best match (they say should be a Virgo), but I assume that I need a transitional relationship

She: I am too intense – Scorpio – quite unlike normal women 

He: I applaud your honesty – I think that is exactly what you are looking for – and nothing wrong with that at all

She: I know – there is one man who is trying to seduce me, but it takes him forever

He: I see. Tell me, would you let m seduce you – make love to you, please you, entice you explore with you

He: let you explore, let you be yourself

He: let you be whoever you want to be

She: but I have to see you first

He: so perhaps you would allow me to buy you a drink

She: Deal

He: that would be very nice -

Victor Pelevin “The Sacred Book of Werewolf”

‘… Did Mikhalich give you the flower?’

‘Yes,’ I answered.  ‘And he told me I should think about the meaning of the message.  But I haven’t come up with anything.  Maybe you can tell me yourself?’

He scratched his head.  He seemed disconcerted by my question.

‘Do you know the folktale about the little scarlet flower?’

‘Which one exactly?’ I asked.

‘I think there is only one.’

He nodded towards a desk with a computer and a silver figurine standing on it.  There was a book lying beside the figurine, with bookmarks in several pages.  The half-effaced red letters of the title on its cover read: Russian Fairy Tales.

‘The story was written down by Sergei Aksakov,’ he said.  ‘His housekeeper Pelagia told him it.’

‘And what about it?’

‘About a beautiful girl and a beast.’

‘And what’s the little flower got to do with it?’

‘It was the reason everything began.  Do you really not know this fairy tale?’

‘No.’

‘It’s long, but the gist is this: a beautiful girl asked her father to bring her a scarlet flower.  The father found one in a magical garden a long way away and picked it.  But the garden was guarded by a terrible monster.  He caught the beautiful girl’s father, and she had to become the monster’s prisoner so that he would release her father.  The monster was ugly, but kind.  She fell in love with him, first for his kindness, and then simply in love.  And when they kissed, the spell was broken and the monster turned into a prince.’

‘Aha,’ I said.  ‘Do you have any idea what it’s about?’

‘Of course.’

‘Yes? What is it about?’

‘About love conquering all.’

I laughed.  He really was quite amusing.  He’d probably bumped off a few heavy hoods and ordered a hit on some banker, so now, with typical human presumption, he thought he was a monster.  And he also thought that love would save him.

He took me by the arm and led me across to a futuristic divan standing between two groves of dwarf bonsais with miniature arbours, bridges and even waterfalls.

‘Why are you laughing?’

‘I can explain,’ I said, sitting down on the divan and pulling my legs up under me.

‘Okay, explain.’

He sat at the other end of the divan and crossed his legs.  I noticed the edge of a holster peeping out from under his uniform jacket.

‘It’s one of those folktales that express the horror and pain of a woman’s first sexual experience,’ I said.  ‘There are lots of stories like that, and the one you just told me is a classic example.  It’s a metaphor of how a woman discovers the essentially bestial nature of man and becomes aware of her own power over that beast.  And the little scarlet flower that her father picks is such a literal symbol of defloration, amplified by the theme of incest, that I find it hard to believe the story was told by a housekeeper.  It was probably composed by some twentieth-century Viennese postgraduate to illustrate his thesis.  He invented the story, and the housekeeper Pelagia, and the writer Aksakov.’

While I was talking, his expression turned noticeably gloomier.

‘Where did you pick this stuff?’

‘It’s all truisms.  Everybody knows it.’

‘And you believe it?’

‘What?’

‘That this fairy tale is not about how love conquers everything on earth, but how defecation realizes its power over incest?’

‘Defloration,’ I corrected him.

‘It does not matter.  Is that what you really think?’

I thought about it.

‘I…. I don’t think anything.  That’s simply the contemporary discourse of folktales.’

‘So you’re saying that because of this discourse, when someone gives you a scarlet flower you think it’s a symbol of defecation and incest?’

‘No, don’t be like that,’ I replied, a little embarrassed.  ‘When someone gives me a scarlet flower I….I’m simply pleased.’

‘Thank God,’ he said.  ‘And as for contemporary discourse, it’s high time to take an aspen stake and stuff it back up the cocaine-and-amphetamine polluted backside that produced it.’

I hadn’t expected such a sweeping generalization.

‘Why?’

‘So it won’t defile out little scarlet flower.’

‘All right,’ I said, ‘I understand about the cocaine.  You mean Dr Freud.  He did have that little peccadillo.  But what have amphetamines got to do with it?’

‘I can explain,’ he said.  And tucked his legs up underneath himself in a parody of my pose.

‘Okay, explain.’

‘All those French parrots who invented discourse were high on amphetamines all the time.  In the evening they take barbiturates to get to sleep, and they start off the morning with amphetamines so they can generate as much discourse as possible before they start taking barbiturates to get back to sleep again.  That’s all there is to discourse.  Didn’t you know that?’

‘Where did you get information like that?’

‘There was a course at the FSB Academy about modern psychedelic culture.  Counter-brainwashing.  Oh yes, I forgot to say – they’re all queers too.  In case you were going to ask what the backside had to do with anything.’

I love this word even though it seems to be somewhat an exaggeration for describing how I feel.  How can I be infatuated with the person I am infatuated with?  Well, I am talking about “my delicate friend” and I am trying to figure out what has happened, why it has happened and what to do.  He dismissed the word “infatuation” as totally wrong or inappropriate.

Well, according to the dictionary “to infatuate” means either make foolish or inspire with a foolish and unreasoning passion.  Frankly, I don’t really see how passion can be reasoning.  But the word infatuation expresses something extreme – extreme adoration, foolish love, or unreasoning fondness.

************************************************************************

Mikhail Lermontov

I am lonenly and sad

I’m lonely and sad, and in moments of bitterest pain

Have no one to look to, alas…

Desires!.. What use to desire without end, without gain,

While all the best years swiftly, fleetingly pass!

To love… Whom?.. If briefly, ’tis not worth the effort…

Fore’er?..

Vain longing, since love cannot last.

Look into your heart: joy and torment – all paltry, and there

Remains not a trace of the past.

The passions?.. Sweet ailment that reason will easily cure,

A cold word of logic arrest.

And life – what is life if you look round you coolly?-

A poor,

An empty and trivial jest!..

1840

************************************************************************

We did not analyze the word “infatuation”.  But we did talk about chemistry.  The one that exists in relationships.  According to the dictionary, “chemistry” is described as “qualities of personality in interaction”.  He did not seem to be too happy that every woman (or so it seems) asks for this elusive concept of chemistry.  He said, that he did not study chemistry.  Well, neither did I, not this chemistry anyways.  We talked about it jokingly and then agreed that we probably should take some lessons.

On my own, I played with some words.  Chemistry versus Physistry (the physistry I did study).  Law of Attraction.  Magnetism.  Hypnosis.  Chain Reaction.  Energy.  Inertia.  Inertia?  That inertia of thinking when you for some reason fall for a certain type.  It is a powerful thing.  The patterns.  But seriously, what is chemistry?

I did look it up on the Internet and the resource that I found is short and sweet and quite to the point.

I am not going to cut and paste, you can read it on your own, provided it still will be available at the moment when you check out the link.  If it won’t, let me know, I save it on my computer just in case.

http://astoundingdatingtips.com/blog/2008/10/08/how-chemistry-is-build-between-a-man-and-a-woman/

The love potion apparently consists of three ingredients:

1)      PEA – phenylethylamine (adrenaline-like neurochemicals) – fireworks, we see stars, walk on air, natural high

2)      Dopamine

3)      Norepinephrine (both chemical cousins of amphetamines, that stimulate production of adrenaline) – euphoria, energy, love sparks

The best part is this – the author calls “chemistry” infatuation.

No, maybe the best part is, that the author dismisses the word love.

“Love? No, just “chemistry” and infatuation!

Et si tu n’existais pas, J’essaierais d’inventer l’amour

I started this post wanting to write about the film “Two Lovers”.  I could never actually get to write a review.  (Well, later I will do it, promise!)  I was thinking too much about how fast I fall in love and how fast I create that infatuation out of which I could not so easily escape.  Infatuation?  Creating feelings out of thin air.  Falling in love with the images of my own and on my own and then projecting them onto a real person.  I guess I am being creative.  Or insane, even ever so slightly.  I was thinking about how it is like projecting a film, its characters and a story onto an empty screen and expecting a feedback from that imaginary life.  That’s me.  Feelings are real, the feedback?  I am afraid, it would take a long time to get one.

Being a somewhat strange person, I do have somewhat strange conversations.  Coming from my dream…

“It is what it is, you feel what you feel, it is neither right nor wrong”, – my friend usually says.  Yes, the one that I like so much for so little reason.  That is the quintessence of our conversations, I think.  Apart from the fact that he is right and I am wrong.  I think way too much about him, only because I created those feelings and then I fell under their influence.  Well, how clever of me!

Well, it takes time to recognize that I am all-alone in that fantasy world.  In love with an image, a reflection, a mirage…

Is it time to forget, to wake up?  I am afraid so. But…deep inside, I don’t really want to.  I love this haze and intoxication.  And then I find a song.  An old one about another person who would have created love and a lover even if the lover did not exist.  To find the secret of life by creating a lover…  I might be slightly insane, but why so many other people like this song?  Maybe there is something to it?  Longing for love?  I guess, it is what it is – neither right nor wrong.

Et si tu n’existais pas

Je crois que je l’aurais trouvé

Le secret de la vie, le pourquoi

Simplement pour te créer

Et pour te regarder