Musings on Music, Love, Life and not only

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“Love is a drama of contradictions.”
— Franz Kafka

“Life’s splendor forever lies in wait about each one of us in all its fullness, but veiled from view, deep down, invisible, far off. It is there, though, not hostile, not reluctant, not deaf. If you summon it by the right word, by its right name, it will come.”
— Franz Kafka (Diaries of Franz Kafka 1914-1923)

“And I leave my post of observation and find I have had enough of this outside life; I feel that there is nothing more that I can learn here, either now or at any time. And I long to say a last goodbye to everything up here, to go down into my burrow never to return again, let things take their course, and not try to retard them with my profitless vigils.”
— Franz Kafka (The Basic Kafka)

“Beyond a certain point there is no return. This point has to be reached.”
— Franz Kafka

“All I am is literature, and I am not able or willing to be anything else.”
— Franz Kafka

From correspondence with my friend.

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I:

[…]  I don’t like Salsa music.

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He:

There is no salsa music; under 80% of world songs you can dance salsa. Term “salsa music” is created by people, who don’t understand concept of dancing.

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I:

Since it is clearly not a compliment, should I consider it as an invitation for a fight?  LOL

[…there was a link of a song, not a Salsa one…]
This one is not Salsa.  And I like it whatever your opinion might be.  Taste is always a personal matter.  I think.

You are stuck in an adolescent stage; I will send you the explanation once I have it.  Stop teaching the world, relax and enjoy today and NOW.

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He:

“You are stuck in an adolescent stage” – thank you for this – because this is the highest compliment possible.

The problem is that most of the people (99.99% period) never pass this stage (not only “stuck”) – they are born old – and that is the main problem of mankind - people are old – cannot learn, enjoy, evolve – and if they cannot do that, guess, who they are – right – they are our old friends – idiots.

By the way, who told you that I don’t enjoy life – this is exactly what I am doing all the time (probably, even too much) – because I am in “adolescent stage” of my life.

I see, you have last time some taste to have little fight with me – it is OK – the most important that it entertains you (I hope).

Regards & kisses (if allowed).

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I:

It makes me laugh.  I passed the stage of criticizing everyone & everything long time ago.  I was joking about fighting.  Frankly, I feel wiser than you and according to the theory of soul evolution; I am three stages further than you.  Don’t worry, there are people ahead of me – I still have a long way to go and suffer evolving.  That is why I said I will send you the info, once I have it, you wouldn’t believe me, of course, but it is not my goal to persuade.  But it requires reading. LOL

But I don’t feel superior.  To anyone.  I like people and they like me – it is genuine.  Passion & compassion go along way, so do love & kindness.

"Now the Sirens have a still more fatal weapon than their song, namely their silence... someone might possibly have escaped from their singing; but from their silence, certainly never." — Franz Kafka

The reason I say you don’t enjoy life is that is how I see you.  Maybe it is not the image you want others to have… but it is for you to discover your own reflection.

Kissing in virtual space is fine, but in real life, I guess, these things are taken care of.  You know what is my love mystery?  It is passion.  I cannot go long without it.  It is passion for everything, for love, for life, for music, for dancing. I have no time for teaching world how wrong it is.  Besides, I don’t think the world is wrong or people are idiots for that matter.  Even my seven-year-old son is capable of saying things that amaze me.

We went to see an adult movie, never mind why, and it was a romantic comedy.  He asked me what a romantic comedy was and I said it was a funny movie about love.  You know what he said?  “Mom, there is nothing funny about love”.  There.  Then he cried during the movie when Julia Roberts wanted to leave the guy she was in love with.  It was priceless.  Love is always good answer and if there is no other meaning of life, love is a good one.

By the way, if you are a true Leo, that should be your thing – LOVE (besides being a teenager, LOL).  Am I wrong?  Don’t take it as insult, my son is Leo and he lives up to the promise of being full of LOVE.

All right, I am going for a walk – to enjoy the weather and the beauty of my favourite month & season.

To tell or not to tell?

Source: http://vi.sualize.us/view/kallini2002/266be058e56ba32ebf7cb45c1f2c8242/

Source: http://vi.sualize.us/view/c14e68c72d7002f1f9485d1c3302ae6e/

I have never heard of “Alejandro” by Lady Gaga until my friend suggested it.

“Listen to “Alejandro Gaga” – absolutely idiotic song, but perfect (!!!) salsa bit.”

I did look it up and watched the official video.

I was partially teasing my friend because I was not at all offended, but knowing him I was positive that he would be petrified if he knew what the video looked like.  Maybe I was wrong.  Assumptions, assumptions.

That is what I wrote in response:

“You gotta be kidding  me.  You made me watch this?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niqrrmev4mA&ob=av2e

Did you watch it yourself?  I suggest you do in its entirety and we share our opinions afterward.  I really don’t care for the bit.  This is insane.  Even though, I have to confess I was laughing partially because I was drunk.”

And drunk I was.  I was laughing long afterward.

But then communicating with another friend I told him that “Our communication resembles as much sanity as it is in this song” meaning “Alejandro” by Lady Gaga.

I doubt if he listened or watched.

Because what he said was

“thanks for the note…personal side bar can not stand Lady Gaga…but nice you tried to find some music to suit your mood”.

But that is exactly what our communication is.  All muddled up.  I never said a word that it suited my mood.  But boy, did it make me laugh!!!

Sie verbirgt wahre Liebe

This is my version of “Alejandro”.  There is nothing Mexican about the song or the boys in the video.  Given their uniform I would rather say it was inspired by Germans.  And one of the boys in the video closer to the end looked quite German or Russian, it does not really matter.  But that is the reason why I translated (sort of, my apologies to the German speaking people, I used auto translator.  If anybody wants to correct it, you are welcome, but it is mostly done for comic relief, not to offend anyone).

Or you are welcome to write your own lyrics to this video in any language.

So, here we go:

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“Veni,Vidi,Vici” means:

“I came, I saw, I conquered”

-Julius Caesar-

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The famous expression “Veni,Vidi,Vici” (”I came, I saw, I conquered”) applied to certain people with the motto “Cool-headed, hot-hearted professionals with clean hands” has been eloquently transformed by Victor Pelevin into

“f-cked, killed, buried, dug out and f-cked again”

and, trust me, it is an understatement.

Виктор Пелевин «Числа»

- …Не для себя стараюсь.  Ты хоть знаешь, сколько людей в цепочке,

Стёпа вспомнил, что недавно, совсем в другой вселенной, уже слышал эту фразу.

-         Знаю, – сказал он. – Вся страна.

-         Это раньше была вся страна.  А теперь всеь свободный мир, понял, нет?  И несвободный мир тоже.

-         Понял, понял.  Классная у тебя работа, Лебёдкин.  Пришёл, увидел, победил.

-         Это раньше было – пришёл, увидел, победил, – хохотнул Лебёдкин.  А теперь знаешь как?  Вы-бал, убил, закопал, раскопал и опять вы-бал.  Темп жизни совсем другой.

Discourse

When I talk about definitions, I think it is important.  For me, at least.

A discourse – a conversation, talk. (apart from other meanings).

Origin: Latin dis – in different directions + currere – run.

An example?  Oh, my goodness!  I often listen to the songs on the www.youtube.com.  And how many times I had encountered absolutely insane conversations!  Most of the time I just don’t even pay attention to what is there.  But once I was asked whether I am aware of the discussions under the clips.  Then I sort of started paying attention.

I picked a clip teaching beginners’ steps for Salsa.  And a discourse jewel on top.  Here it is – a priceless example of meanness and creativity.  And one of the participants had a good point, when he mentioned the importance of definitions.

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Participant 1:

Following your line of thinking, Spanish is actually a retarded deformation of Latin and Arabic.

Notwithstanding the fact that you are unaware of the definition of the words:

1) retarded

2) language

3) dialect

the fact remains that you are neither intelligent, nor insightful, nor useful as a human being. I hereby order you, in the name of the survival of the species, to cease existing immediately.

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I was just wondering what drives those conversations.  Some people would say anger.  But I am beginning to think that it is pure loneliness.  Maybe both.

Quotes on Discourse:

1. “All discourses but my own afflict me; they seem harsh, impertinent, and irksome”

(Ben Jonson)

 

2. “Of our thinking it is but the upper surface that we shape into articulate thought; underneath the region of argument and conscious discourse lies the region of meditation.”

(Thomas Carlyle)

 

3. “It’s our tendency to approach every problem as if it were a fight between two sides. We see it in headlines that are always using metaphors for war. It’s a general atmosphere of animosity and contention that has taken over our public discourse.”

(Deborah Tannen)

4. “The only privilege literature deserves – and this privilege it requires in order to exist – is the privilege of being in the arena of discourse, the place where the struggle of our languages can be acted out.”

(Salman Rushdie)

 

5. “Discourse may want an animated “No”

 

To brush the surface, and to make it flow;

 

But still remember, if you mean to please,

 

To press your point with modesty and ease.”

(William Cowper)

 

6. “The failures of the press have contributed immensely to the emergence of a talk-show nation, in which public discourse is reduced to ranting and raving and posturing.”

(Carl Bernstein)

Trying to stick to the theme – LOVE.  I fell in love but again not with a person, but with an illusion.  I will see how February turns out.  I made a resolution – to disappear from his horizon starting February 1^st.  Keeping resolutions is, of course, much harder than making them.  So, we talked on February 3^rd.  Does not matter.  From now on, I have to disappear…

Why would I want to forget?

I cannot write. About anything.  Yes, that bad.

Forget about love.  Not happening.

Not making love, not falling in love.

Only forgetting.

I will forget, forget, forget…………………………………………………………………

“You will not touch my heart”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0aO5ZVK_C4

You will not touch my heart;

you will not take it and break it.

Just go and never return.

Without you, I will still be alive.

My pain… I cannot describe it. I am having a conversation with my Pain.

Yet, it will go away, too.

My wings, I will give them to passers-by…

There is only one thing left, to replace love with something else…

Point of No Return. Countdown: Ready, set, go!!!

Conversation:

He:       I will return.

Me:      You will forget about my existence in a month or two.

            And, no, you will not return.

He:       No, I will not forget. Maybe you will forget me in a month.

So, the clock is set. Ciao, darling, ciao. Let’s see who is more forgetful.  Not that I don’t know.  I wish I could forget so easily.  It is a skill, maybe I should master it?

Another skill to master – insight – trusting intuition.

Why did I fall in love with non-entity?

When it is hopeless, should I still hope?

Maybe I should.  There must be the one who would be able to return my feelings.  That clock has been set when I was born.  Still nobody is in sight… insight.

Tango – When it is hopeless

«Знать и чувствовать, что злое «никогда» – не просто слово, а моя судьба, что учит без надежды жить любя…»

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyooF_UTJAk&feature=related

To know and feel that spiteful “never” is not just a word, but my fate that teaches me to continue living with love and without hope…

My Next Calling

My next calling was discovered by my darling – “Mein Lieber A.”, Mr. “And your point being?”, “Mi Amore”, Mr. “I never promised you anything”, Mr. “I am Beautiful”, Mr. Denial (well, I am being creative with nicknames!)

I do have a soft spot for him, obviously.  He doesn’t reciprocate, but that is fine, it is to be expected.

He does not have such a good memory and my ability to pay attention and remember some of his words is the source of irritation for him.  Once he gave me permission to kick him out of his complacent condition, yet when I did, he did not like it all that much.  That is to be expected, too.

Quoting:

“If you wish to devote all your energy to keeping tabs on me on what I say then you may have found your next calling.”

I wish I had such sharp memory to remember everything he said, but I don’t.  But some things just stay, what can I do?

Certain sentences are repeated so many times, they become fixtures, motifs, cornerstones, whatever name you want to use.  “I never promised you anything” and “And your point being is?” are just a few of them.

Some sentences are just worth remembering.

“I never once refused not to help you.”

 

“I am beautiful.”

 

“I […] enter this forest at its darkest point; for it is at the darkest moment we see the light.”

How about that?

The best thing about him is not my infatuation, however sweet, intoxicating, euphoric and painful it might be, but the fact that he inspires me in a sense.  Is it he I like or my own reflection in him; for we can only see ourselves reflected in others?

Maybe I am not Light enough (my name literally means “Light”) for him to see, or maybe he is not in that dark forest anymore.  Maybe he never was there.  Of course, I am joking.  Most people (he is not an exception) take things way too seriously.

So my next calling is not to remember him and his every word, but to discover that Light within me that will bring me happiness and harmony.  Whether I can light anybody else’s life or not, we will see.  Discovering that Light would be my Success.  Yes, that one that is usually defined (limited!) by perseverance.

Talking about names!

“There’s a scientific hypothesis that every person’s name is a primary suggestive command that contains the entire script of their life in highly concentrated form. . . . According to this point of view, there is only a limited number of names, because society only needs a limited number of human types. Just a few models of worker and warrior ants, if I could put it like that. And everybody’s psyche is preprogrammed at a basic level by the associative semantic fields that their first name and surname activate.”
— Victor Pelevin (The Sacred Book of the Werewolf

If that is right, I must be Light.  The question is what Light is and what to do with it.

Quotes on the subject.

1. Love is not consolation.  It is light.  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

 

2. Someday perhaps the inner light will shine forth from us, and then we’ll need no other light.  ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

3. Light gives of itself freely, filling all available space.  It does not seek anything in return; it asks not whether you are friend or foe.  It gives of itself and is not thereby diminished.  ~Michael Strassfeld

 

4. We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.  ~Mary Dunbar

 

5. Light, when suddenly let in, dazzles and hurts and almost blinds us: but this soon passes away, and it seems to become the only element we can exist in.  ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

 

6. Light can be gentle, dangerous, dreamlike, bare, living, dead, misty, clear, hot, dark, violet, springlike, falling, straight, sensual, limited, poisonous, calm and soft.  ~Sven Nykvist

 

7. The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come.  At the darkest moment comes the light.  ~Joseph Campbell

 

8. Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.  ~Kahlil Gibran

 

9. Your life is something opaque, not transparent, as long as you look at it in an ordinary human way.  But if you hold it up against the light of God’s goodness, it shines and turns transparent, radiant and bright.  And then you ask yourself in amazement:  Is this really my own life I see before me?  ~Albert Schweitzer

 

10. An age is called “dark,” not because the light fails to shine but because people refuse to see it.  ~James Michener

Coming back to

“I never once refused not to help you.”  He did help me.  By making me amorous, by irritating me, by making me think, by inspiring me.

“Why do you want to be infatuated with me?”  It was not my choice, mi amore, but it felt good, why is it so difficult to understand?  But he does not have to understand; searching for the Light and Meanings is my journey.

So there I go, full of Love in my heart and Hope and Light………………………………..

“And Your Point being?” versus “Do you have a sense of humour?”

“Mein Lieber A.” (a friend of mine) and I had a few conversations and most of them ended up by him asking the question “And your point being?” and me asking “Do you have a sense of humour?”

I know he does.  But sometimes it becomes a bit frustrating when my jokes totally miss the target.  Wait, do jokes have targets?  Like cannons?  They do and they don’t.

I looked up the word “humour”.  Apparently I did not know all of its meanings.

“A state of mind; mood; disposition” – does not seem to be far out.

“A fancy; whim”

“Any of various body fluids formerly supposed to determine a person’s health and disposition.  They were blood, phlegm, choler (yellow bile), and melancholy (black bile).”

Surprise, surprise!

If you have to think of it, it might seem funny – that our sense of humour is derived from bodily fluids.  The word “humour” itself means in its origin fluid.

Maybe because humour is fluid and elusive.  I doubt it, though.

Well, anyways, the most common meaning of “Sense of Humour” now is “the ability to see or show the funny or amusing side of things.”

Some quotes on the subject.

Humor is the harmony of the heart. (Douglas William Jerrold)

 

Humor is the affectionate communication of insight. (Leo Rosten)

 

What an ornament and safeguard is humor!

Far better than wit for a poet and writer.

It is a genius itself, and so defends from the insanities.  (Sir Walter Scott)

What is humour for me?  Everything.  Salvation. Absolution.  State of mind (absolutely!).  My style of communication.  And without a sense of humour there is no mutual understanding.  Humour is my life.  My anchor. Or my wings? Oh, well, maybe a painkiller once in a while.  Whatever it is, of whatever quality (right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate, light, dark), it is mine and mine only, it can never be taken from me.  Well, unless I lose my mind.

And what is my mind?

What I mean is

It is very much a rough draft, but there won’t be a final version.  This is my diary, my writing space, and my attempt to get to the Point Of Things.  For that, I have to get out of the mess, I had got myself into.

So free writing in a free style.  Flying Free…………

I have been told and admired and complimented on the clearness of my thinking and the ability to express myself.  But sometimes when I get to be too clear, people get offended, so I have to learn how to use the words to do the opposite.  Cloud and disguise the meaning or just say something and mean nothing.  The best thing is, of course, to remain silent, but it is not always possible and that, too, might be regarded offensive.  Moreover, I have to work on my ability to resist temptation to react to whatever is around me.  Maybe just hold it for a while and take it to a different place and then go ahead with self-expression.  The best place is where nobody is around!

And then SCREAM: “What the F-CK!”  or “What a F-cking Day!”

I wish I had a screaming place, but I don’t.  Well, moving on.

Apparently, we miscommunicate quite often.  If not always.  We misunderstand.  Each other, ourselves.  We don’t bother to check once in a while if we use words in its proper meaning.  What are the dictionaries for?  Who cares?  I do.

Sometimes, I ask people to define or explain.  Not for fun, but to get to the core of things.  So we get closer to mutual understanding.  My words are balance and harmony, not f-words (like Frustration).  But mutual understanding more often than not turns out to be “mission impossible”.  “Definition Game” can be funny, ridiculous, or downright depressing.  People are offended when they realize that they cannot define even the most common words on the spot.  I know it is not such an easy task, to begin with, but it should make us think, find out, analyze, do some cleaning in our minds.  Clean our language.  Believe it or not, it is doable.

Cleaning

Let me call it Spring Cleaning.  But it is January, I have been told.  So?  Do you have a sense of humour?  What is sense of humour?  Whose?  Mine, yours.  Or mine is definitely or definitively of a wrong type.  That I’ve been told, too.  What is right? What is wrong?  Do you have an idea of conversations I sometimes get myself into?  But I am clearly out of my mind.  So is everybody else, by the way.  Out of my mind, that is.  Do I have a point?  There you go.  So, we have something in common, collectively being out of my mind.

You can relax, I am just playing with words.  The point is…  The point is Point Zero. 

That was one of my posts in the very beginning.

http://www.altrealm.com/english/conversations/2008-08-30/what-is-your-point/

What I mean is…  Isn’t it the hardest things to explain, what the hell we mean, when we ourselves have no idea.  Well, most of the time.

So, I am doing some cleaning in my room, in my life and at the same time, I just keep notes.

Let’s play a definition game.

Let’s define a…  Wait, what is a definition?  Why don’t I start with the definition of a definition?

I will make it short.

A definition is an essence an explanation.

Definitive is conclusive, final. Or.  Limiting, defining, distinguishing.

So, every definition is limiting by its nature.

Going back to the root of the word:  definire <de – from + finis – boundary>

Problem solved.  Define means to set or settle limits.

And there is example from the dictionary.

Perseverance usually defines success.

Reframing è Perseverance usually limits success.

I will not be defining now “perseverance”, “usually”, or especially “success”.  What an thankless task!  I am not quite sure if I made things clearer, or messed them slightly up, but at least I can laugh at it.  That is one of the ways I can entertain myself with.

Once a friend of mine, Oleg, told a joke and nobody was laughing, but him.  Being young and not always considerate, I asked him quite bluntly, why do you laugh alone?  Is it not a sign of stupidity?  He simply said, “so what, if nobody laughs, why should I refrain myself?”  Not only have I remembered this story for so long, but now I can see his point.  If nobody entertains me, I can do it myself.  And I had become an expert in it by now.

So, was it my perseverance that defined (limited) my success?

But what is success?  Especially mine?

I have only “published” insane conversations so far.  But this one was a good one.  It would be even better if we actually met.  We did not.  But, I enjoyed talking to this man.  So, here it goes:

He: nice top

She: the best part is actually my brain

He: that’s what meant

She: yeah, right!!!!!!!!!!!

He: cross my heart

He: (didn’t mind your outfit though

She: Let me pretend I believe you. I love playing a moron – it is so much fun!

He: your far too witty for that

He: (and sexy)

She: you have no idea!

He: about your wit or your sexuality?

She: I am afraid – both, men routinely run away from me – it is not funny anymore

He: I’ve never been much of a runner – more of a cyclist

He: and I do love to “ride”

He: so why do men run from you

She: Oh?

She: intimidated

He: really – I love a confident woman – very sexy

She: you will be put to test

He: really – how so

He: I’m getting excited already

She: that is only face to face

She: tet a tet

He: sounds like fun – sort of like close personal contact

He: (did I tell you I love to be teased)

She: really? why?

He: it’s fun. Love the sensation of excitement. Love to please. Love to make things last

He: for both me and my partner

Yes, I need a man to explore my passions, desires, fantasies and I want to let go, I want to be myself, I want PASSIONATE LOVE

He: ok – I’m assuming that a confident woman like yourself enjoys the effect you have on a man

She: no, not really, I am still looking for someone equal or someone who can challenge me

He: intellectually, I assume

She: both

He: something tells me we just might get along

She: would be nice

She: tell me more about yourself

He: single, never married, bit of a solitary creature but gregarious at times

He: looking for a friend and a lover

She: how come you have not found one yet?

He: good question. Not sure. Maybe I’m looking for a mistress

He: a confident – a friend and a lover

He: with whom to explore

He: a woman who is confident in herself and her sexuality

She: I am not sure I am the ONE

He: why do you say that – what are you looking for

She: a friend and a lover to go steady for a while

She: tired of looking and not finding the ONE

She: I was married for 16 years

He: I think we may have much in common – what do you enjoy

She: dancing

He: tell me about you

He: I’d love to watch you dance

He: that would be very sexy

She: maybe

He: maybe you would dance for me or maybe it would be sexy

She: it is always sexy

He: I’m starting to think you need a man who would help you unleash yourself, your passions and your fantasies

She: you are close

He: you need a man with whom you could be yourself

She: true

He: and a man with whom you could explore your passions

He: your fantasies

He: and your desires

She: are you trying to seduce me?

He: yes

She: keep going

He: how am I doing?

He: you need a man with whom you feel comfortable enough to be sexually free, with whom you could explore your passions and “let go”

She: what is your sign?

He: Libra

She: ok

He: ok?

She: as long as you are not a Taurus

He: that would be a lot of bull – I’m apparently well balanced – and you

He: what brings you here – what are you looking for

She: I am a Halloween Girl

She: All my significant men were Tauruses – too many to be a mere coincidence

He: and you are no longer looking for a Taurus – what are you looking for

He: do you know

She: The best match (they say should be a Virgo), but I assume that I need a transitional relationship

She: I am too intense – Scorpio – quite unlike normal women

He: I applaud your honesty – I think that is exactly what you are looking for – and nothing wrong with that at all

She: I know – there is one man who is trying to seduce me, but it takes him forever

He: I see. Tell me, would you let m seduce you – make love to you, please you, entice you explore with you

He: let you explore, let you be yourself

He: let you be whoever you want to be

She: but I have to see you first

He: so perhaps you would allow me to buy you a drink

She: Deal

He: that would be very nice -