What to do?

Maybe most of you do not know what the word Soviet actually means.  The first meaning is Advice, the second is Counsel.  So coming from this great country of Advice, there is never lack of it.

Take one step at a time.  Thank you.  It is usually how it is done.  I need one leg to stand on.  Unless I jump.  I hope not from my balcony. Well, I am joking now.  But with bipolar you never know.

Anyway coming back to the steps and sequence.  I already revealed my big secret – I love dancing.  I want to open my own business – a dance studio.  “What are your qualificatons?”  — I told you.  I have Masters in Engineering from Moscow and a Bachelor Degree in IT from DeVry.  No, I cannot teach dance myself.  But it is my passion.  I know it will happen some day.  Dance is what brings me joy.

This post is an exercise in free style writing.  There is a free style dancing as well – not choreographed by others, but a dance which allows to express yourself.  Children do it all the time.  They are my inspiration. I love children just as much as I love dancing.

Ok, but for managing my “life dance” I do need choreography.  Some of it. 

choreography

 dance composition

1. Avoid casting blame on an external force for your bad feelings about life.  Nothing outside yourself can control your thinking or your actions.

2. Avoid blaming yourself for not being in control.  You are doing the best you can, you are on the way to reclaiming your power.

3. Be aware of when and where you play the victim role. Learn the clues that tell you that you are not being responsible for what you are being, having, doing, or feeling.

4. Familiarize yourself with your biggest enemy – your Chatterbox.  Use the exercises throughout this book to replace it with a loving internal friend.

5. Figure out the payoffs that keep you “stuck”.  Paradoxically, once you find them, you will probably be able to quickly become “unstuck”.

6. Determine what you want in life and act on it.  Stop waiting for someone to give it to you.  You’ll be waiting for a long time.

7. Be aware of the many choices you have – in both actions and feelings – in any situation that comes your way.  Choose the path that contributes to your growth and makes you feel at peace with yourself and others.

from the book “Feel the fear … and do it anyway” by Susan Jeffers, Ph. D.

A friend told me “Toronto sucks!”  I strongly disagree, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot make my friend see the real problem.  He is clueless why he is sooo unhappy.  Like most of us, he is playing “blaming game”. 

• It is not my fault that Toronto sucks.
• It is not my fault that my job sucks.
• It is not my fault that my marriage sucks.
• It is not my fault that my life sucks.

Sounds familiar?  But whose fault is it?  That is where it all begins.  Pain. 

• Pain of everyday life.
• Pain of existence.
• Pain of depression.
• Pain of inertia.
• Pain of indecision and lack of will to make some changes.
• Pain of not belonging.
• Pain of loneliness.
• Pain of not being understood.

Remember the art of reframing?  Using Pain to Power Vocabulary:

It is a Problem             = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =             It is an Opportunity

I can’t                          = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =             I won’t

It’s not my fault             = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =             I am totally responsible

So here it goes.  Substitution.  Simple.  I am totally responsible for everything that I have in my life.  In short, I deserve what I have.  If I think I deserve something better, I should make an effort to get it.  How?  Here comes the “How get what you want” theory. 

There are only two steps:

1. Define what you want (it is the hardest part).
2. Go get it.

How?  Figure it out.  If you really want it, you will find the way.  Motivation only comes from within.  And, pleaaase, don’t ask for explanations.  When you do so, it is the same if you would ask me to chew your food for you.  You should find your own way – brainstorm, do your research, find resources, problem-solve.

How do I solve my problems?  I started out like everybody else.  Clueless.  I blamed everyone in my life: my mother, my friends, my husband, and my stupidity.  I listened to others.  Oh, boy!  People seemed to be experts in solving my problems.

• You are too old
• You are too fat
• You analyze too much
• You are too intelligent
• Be humble
• Zip it up
• You have too much education
• You are overqualified
• Take your perversions somewhere else
• You are very bitter
• You are angry
• You will never get a job
• You will never find like-minded people
• You will never get published
• We cannot have you in the group because you require special attention

Well, here is goes “we cannot”.  That was JVS.  We cannot have you in the program.  It was JVS who gave me the Binder – the Manual with the “Art of Reframing”.  So, let’s substitute.

We won’t have you in the program.  End of story.  Not quite.  But they kicked me out.  I was too much for them.  That was May 2007.  As one of my new friends said – it is SO 2007.  That was the time I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  Well, Bipolar or not I am not going to give up.  That is my solution “Never Give Up!”

According to the  ”The Art of Reframing”, every problem is an opportunity in essence. 

At my door there is a whole queue:

1. health (you know, that I am mental)
2. job, I am still unemployed
3. separation
4. I live with my parents and I do not feel myself at home, even though it has a lot of advantages
5. I don’t have a car

 These are my opportunities!  How about you?  So how many oppotunities are knocking at your door right now? Who wants to share?

For example,

It is a problem ==> It is an opportunity.

It is a good substitution; however, when you start to substitute the word “problem” with the word “opportunity” every time, it becomes nonsensical.  Sometimes funny. Take your pick.

I am a natural problem-solver. So, now, I am an opportunity-solver.  “What is your problem?” becomes “what is your opportunity?” No, really!  What is your opportunity?