Thank you for being there for me.  I appreciate both what you said and what you did yesterday.  Despite the fact that I might make you as uncomfortable as everybody else you are the only one in our group who did not run away from me like from a poisonous snake.  You helped me.  How?  You smiled and you laughed and you went to see art, even though at the moment you may needed your cup of tea more.

But the most helpful part of your help was that you made an effort.  You listened, you understood, you did not criticize my “torturing” strangers.  This guy Christian who did not have to, and did not want to, but with some coaching “went with the program”.  He did tell a joke, didn’t he?  I said I had a really bad day and all I asked for was to help.  The trick is how.  Help me my way, the way that I need, because I already know that if you succeed it will work.  It will work for me. I do not give you any instructions. You figure it out to make your way through the maze.  Not only Christian succeeded but also he did an A+ job.  He made me laugh.  But not only.  He could not have possibly known that his joke would turn out to be very relevant to my situation.  The way I see the point of his story is this.  The family guy could not handle being with others because he thought they were the reason that he felt frustrated (stressed, irritated, unhappy, you name it).  But when isolated and left alone he could handle it even less.  The imagery was gross but it made me listen.  It engaged me on a personal level.  I do not like that type of jokes.   So inside I have this sensation …oh, yuck, I do not like the way it is going…this is really disgusting…  But it was me who initiated “the process”, so I stayed and listened.  I did not ask Christian to make me like the joke.  Well, you were there.  What did I learn from that experience?  Nothing that I did not already know, but something I just could not get without it

I am the problem, when I figure out how to help myself; only then I can help others.  Or not help.

And you told me it was better to do it sooner than later.  Yes, you nailed it, girl. Right on the money.  I consider myself to be shrewd and perceptive, yet it took me only fifteen years to finally see the obvious.  Stop trying to find an understanding where it could not be found.  No matter how much I want to and no matter how hard I try I cannot make a blind person see and a deaf person hear.  It always had the choice to help or not to, a choice to sacrifice my needs for the needs of others.  So from now on, when I feel the urge to help others, I will pause and ask the question “Is it something that I really want to do?” So my action plan is stop helping people.  They can manage.  The trained professionals told me to “feel the fear and do it anyway”.  I did. I made a change today. I can not find words to describe the hurt…  But I managed with the help of people like you.  You do not need a diploma in psychology; you already know how to help people.  Can you do it?  You already did.  You succeeded where a “professional” failed. Next time you need a story in order to prove that you can help people, use this one.

I was totally wrong about the class.  Even though Girl # 7 said that she worked as a social worker and she could help people, I did not believe her claim.  Why?  I do know, but she proved me wrong today and I am glad that she did.   I already sensed that the only relationship Girl # 3 has with Gold is that she has a heart of one. And look at her face when she smiles, it radiates light; it is so beautiful, that I cannot take my eyes of.  And yet she struggles and struggles and struggles, and my god she deserves better.  I was wrong about the girls, at least some of them.  But I sensed the other thing right.  Going to school to learn how to help people cannot teach you if you do not have a heart.

Did you like the story about Tolerance?  Do you think that it describes you accurately as a Cancer?  I did not think that I fit the profile.  Not until today.

-          

I am the Scorpio who came first and did not take tolerance because it cannot be used for torture.  That is right.  I do not need tolerance.  Honestly is enough.  Brutal honesty, that is.