A shadow of Spring in the Fall

Source: http://vi.sualize.us/view/kallini2002/bacc8993e315c84ad049d5ed10a8b2e0/

Calendar Wisdom.

Delicate whisper of a garden

Incubate a thousand dreams

A shadow of spring in the fall

(composed with Book Lover Kit, but not by me)

I am doing well with the song of myself (September assignment).  My web site is all about me, that is my song.  October is my favourite month and I was born on Halloween.  Let’s see what October will bring.  Beauty, love, wisdom?  Change?  Not only in colours, I hope.  I hope. I hope.

Shadow of History.

The colours and feelings of fall can be exhilarating, the red maple leaves in a cool breeze, a sometimes melancholy season following summer’s easygoing charm, all leading up to the spectral celebration of Halloween.  Poets often like to reflect on the supernatural; considering its power, watching for ghosts, and talking to the past.  During the month, consider what spirits may haunt the neighborhood you walk through everyday, perhaps moving through your streets.  What is the history of your place?  How does it still exist and how has it been covered over?

Quote of the month:

“Autumn is a second spring

When every leaf is a flower.”

- Albert Camus

Calendar Wisdom.

Well, coming back to my calendar.  Now it is February and there is a new Chapter.  Apparently, the new theme is LOVE.

Symbols of Love.

Love is perhaps the most difficult of emotions to put into words, but that certainly hasn’t stopped anyone from trying.  When it comes to love, we come up with all sorts of ways to communicate it – gifts, surprises, good deeds, and, yes, loving words.  Consider your love for someone and look over the poetry magnets.  Which ones jump out?   Try it with different people in mind – a partner or a friend or a child – and compose a few lines with these symbols of love.

Quote of the month:

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.”  Henry David Thoreau

So, if it is the theme of the month, I will be writing about love and marriage.

Many years ago, my ex-husband and I were about to get married and the first date suggested at the Registration Office was February 13^th , Saturday.  I am not superstitious, but I refused categorically.  The next day was obviously February 14^th, the Valentine’s day (how romantic is that?), but we did not know it then.  We lived in Russia, and were totally oblivious to the dates like Valentine’s Day, Halloween (on which I was born), Thanksgiving and the rest of them.

So, not to be married on the February 13^th, we chose February 6^th instead.  Was our marriage meant to be?  Who knows?  We had a car accident on the way to the Registration Office and not all of our guests arrived to participate in the ceremony.  It is generally considered to be a bad sign, but again who knows?  And now, I can say only that we were married for 16 years and we are not married any longer.

My ex has found another love and I guess he will remarry soon.  And I struggle to remember all of those who had the folly and courage to propose marriage to me.  The question somehow resurfaced and it did not always had to do with love.  Maybe it is time to write a little story about men in my life.

I have only “published” insane conversations so far.  But this one was a good one.  It would be even better if we actually met.  We did not.  But, I enjoyed talking to this man.  So, here it goes:

He: nice top

She: the best part is actually my brain

He: that’s what meant

She: yeah, right!!!!!!!!!!!

He: cross my heart

He: (didn’t mind your outfit though

She: Let me pretend I believe you. I love playing a moron – it is so much fun!

He: your far too witty for that

He: (and sexy)

She: you have no idea!

He: about your wit or your sexuality?

She: I am afraid – both, men routinely run away from me – it is not funny anymore

He: I’ve never been much of a runner – more of a cyclist

He: and I do love to “ride”

He: so why do men run from you

She: Oh?

She: intimidated

He: really – I love a confident woman – very sexy

She: you will be put to test

He: really – how so

He: I’m getting excited already

She: that is only face to face

She: tet a tet

He: sounds like fun – sort of like close personal contact

He: (did I tell you I love to be teased)

She: really? why?

He: it’s fun. Love the sensation of excitement. Love to please. Love to make things last

He: for both me and my partner

Yes, I need a man to explore my passions, desires, fantasies and I want to let go, I want to be myself, I want PASSIONATE LOVE

He: ok – I’m assuming that a confident woman like yourself enjoys the effect you have on a man

She: no, not really, I am still looking for someone equal or someone who can challenge me

He: intellectually, I assume

She: both

He: something tells me we just might get along

She: would be nice

She: tell me more about yourself

He: single, never married, bit of a solitary creature but gregarious at times

He: looking for a friend and a lover

She: how come you have not found one yet?

He: good question. Not sure. Maybe I’m looking for a mistress

He: a confident – a friend and a lover

He: with whom to explore

He: a woman who is confident in herself and her sexuality

She: I am not sure I am the ONE

He: why do you say that – what are you looking for

She: a friend and a lover to go steady for a while

She: tired of looking and not finding the ONE

She: I was married for 16 years

He: I think we may have much in common – what do you enjoy

She: dancing

He: tell me about you

He: I’d love to watch you dance

He: that would be very sexy

She: maybe

He: maybe you would dance for me or maybe it would be sexy

She: it is always sexy

He: I’m starting to think you need a man who would help you unleash yourself, your passions and your fantasies

She: you are close

He: you need a man with whom you could be yourself

She: true

He: and a man with whom you could explore your passions

He: your fantasies

He: and your desires

She: are you trying to seduce me?

He: yes

She: keep going

He: how am I doing?

He: you need a man with whom you feel comfortable enough to be sexually free, with whom you could explore your passions and “let go”

She: what is your sign?

He: Libra

She: ok

He: ok?

She: as long as you are not a Taurus

He: that would be a lot of bull – I’m apparently well balanced – and you

He: what brings you here – what are you looking for

She: I am a Halloween Girl

She: All my significant men were Tauruses – too many to be a mere coincidence

He: and you are no longer looking for a Taurus – what are you looking for

He: do you know

She: The best match (they say should be a Virgo), but I assume that I need a transitional relationship

She: I am too intense – Scorpio – quite unlike normal women

He: I applaud your honesty – I think that is exactly what you are looking for – and nothing wrong with that at all

She: I know – there is one man who is trying to seduce me, but it takes him forever

He: I see. Tell me, would you let m seduce you – make love to you, please you, entice you explore with you

He: let you explore, let you be yourself

He: let you be whoever you want to be

She: but I have to see you first

He: so perhaps you would allow me to buy you a drink

She: Deal

He: that would be very nice -

I wanted to make a different post on Halloween.  A poem by Edgar Allan Poe.  “The Raven”.  I thought it would be more becoming.  More becoming my mood and the spirit of Halloween.

My plans have changed.  They usually do.  Something happened and it was somewhat pleasant, somewhat strange and more becoming my melancholic mood and longing for love.

“Gefunden.”  Some things are just strange.  The only thing that I remember from years of learning German was (is) a poem by Goethe.  “Gefunden” means “Found”.  It is about a flower the author finds in a forest while walking there without a thought in mind.  Instead of picking it and letting the flower die, the author digs it out with all the roots and replants it in his garden. 

Und pflanzt es wieder

Am stillen Ort;

Nun zweigt es immer

Und blüht so fort.

The reason the poem has surfaced again was that I met “a friend of a delicate nature” who claimed that he could read German.  His claim turned out to be somewhat exaggerated, since he could not read nor translate “Gefunden” with the online translator.  But that is quite understandable and, to be honest, is precisely what I assumed at the beginning.  Reading a language without properly learning it seems a tall order.  But this story is not about him.  Well, not entirely.

The poem keeps coming back to me.  And this time I found out that Goethe wrote this poem not about a flower, but about his love for a real woman.

I have a dream.  I want to find my love and I found a flower.  Literally.  Where and when?  I was working and walking in circles in the department store full of misplaced clothes.  Of all days, it was Halloween, my birthday.  I did not expect to find anything.  Yet I did.  I found a red rose, slightly battered, slightly faded, smelling of perfume, still beautiful…

I picked it gently and took it home, treating this red rose as a gift, as a sign, as a new hope.

Some things do come out of the Blue.

And my friend with his beautiful deep eyes, seductive voice and a reminiscence of a true love is only a vision of my longing for something or someone whom I will find.

One day.  Out of the Blue.  On the Halloween?