In the spirit of the Family Day

From the web-site www.parenting-boys.com

Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego’s. (If Lego’s are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 – 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple that already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

What I mean is

It is very much a rough draft, but there won’t be a final version.  This is my diary, my writing space, and my attempt to get to the Point Of Things.  For that, I have to get out of the mess, I had got myself into.

So free writing in a free style.  Flying Free…………

I have been told and admired and complimented on the clearness of my thinking and the ability to express myself.  But sometimes when I get to be too clear, people get offended, so I have to learn how to use the words to do the opposite.  Cloud and disguise the meaning or just say something and mean nothing.  The best thing is, of course, to remain silent, but it is not always possible and that, too, might be regarded offensive.  Moreover, I have to work on my ability to resist temptation to react to whatever is around me.  Maybe just hold it for a while and take it to a different place and then go ahead with self-expression.  The best place is where nobody is around!

And then SCREAM: “What the F-CK!”  or “What a F-cking Day!”

I wish I had a screaming place, but I don’t.  Well, moving on.

Apparently, we miscommunicate quite often.  If not always.  We misunderstand.  Each other, ourselves.  We don’t bother to check once in a while if we use words in its proper meaning.  What are the dictionaries for?  Who cares?  I do.

Sometimes, I ask people to define or explain.  Not for fun, but to get to the core of things.  So we get closer to mutual understanding.  My words are balance and harmony, not f-words (like Frustration).  But mutual understanding more often than not turns out to be “mission impossible”.  “Definition Game” can be funny, ridiculous, or downright depressing.  People are offended when they realize that they cannot define even the most common words on the spot.  I know it is not such an easy task, to begin with, but it should make us think, find out, analyze, do some cleaning in our minds.  Clean our language.  Believe it or not, it is doable.

Cleaning

Let me call it Spring Cleaning.  But it is January, I have been told.  So?  Do you have a sense of humour?  What is sense of humour?  Whose?  Mine, yours.  Or mine is definitely or definitively of a wrong type.  That I’ve been told, too.  What is right? What is wrong?  Do you have an idea of conversations I sometimes get myself into?  But I am clearly out of my mind.  So is everybody else, by the way.  Out of my mind, that is.  Do I have a point?  There you go.  So, we have something in common, collectively being out of my mind.

You can relax, I am just playing with words.  The point is…  The point is Point Zero. 

That was one of my posts in the very beginning.

http://www.altrealm.com/english/conversations/2008-08-30/what-is-your-point/

What I mean is…  Isn’t it the hardest things to explain, what the hell we mean, when we ourselves have no idea.  Well, most of the time.

So, I am doing some cleaning in my room, in my life and at the same time, I just keep notes.

Let’s play a definition game.

Let’s define a…  Wait, what is a definition?  Why don’t I start with the definition of a definition?

I will make it short.

A definition is an essence an explanation.

Definitive is conclusive, final. Or.  Limiting, defining, distinguishing.

So, every definition is limiting by its nature.

Going back to the root of the word:  definire <de – from + finis – boundary>

Problem solved.  Define means to set or settle limits.

And there is example from the dictionary.

Perseverance usually defines success.

Reframing è Perseverance usually limits success.

I will not be defining now “perseverance”, “usually”, or especially “success”.  What an thankless task!  I am not quite sure if I made things clearer, or messed them slightly up, but at least I can laugh at it.  That is one of the ways I can entertain myself with.

Once a friend of mine, Oleg, told a joke and nobody was laughing, but him.  Being young and not always considerate, I asked him quite bluntly, why do you laugh alone?  Is it not a sign of stupidity?  He simply said, “so what, if nobody laughs, why should I refrain myself?”  Not only have I remembered this story for so long, but now I can see his point.  If nobody entertains me, I can do it myself.  And I had become an expert in it by now.

So, was it my perseverance that defined (limited) my success?

But what is success?  Especially mine?

“To dance is to be out of yourself. Larger, more beautiful, more powerful. This is power, it is glory on earth and it is yours for the taking.”

(from www.thinkexist.com)

For me to dance is to be myself.  I don’t think I can go on anymore without it.  “What are your qualifications?” people keep asking me.  None.  I am a human being.  A wreck.  A ship wreck.  A plane that crashed in the jungle – in the middle of nowhere.  Broke, but not broken.

There was a joke that I used to like.  It is about Russian Armed Forces, but mostly about Russian mentality and absurdity, which surprisingly whips up creativity.  Russians have been so unhappy for so long (for centuries) so that they keep laughing at everything.

The joke was rhymed and went approximately like this:

Superior forces in an air combat defeated a Russian submarine in the Ukrainian steppes.

I don’t know how my translation sounds, maybe just unclear.  Or perfectly potty?  Explaining jokes is the last thing I want to do, because it certainly devalues the joke itself.  But fearing that I did such a bad job translating it , I would bend the rule and explain.  It is nonsensical.  Submarines do not belong on land, they do not engage in air combat.  Maybe not yet.  LOL.

That is how I feel now.  I am submarine.  A fish out of water.  A need the music and dance in my life for SURVIVAL.  I do not have any money right now and I have to figure out how to live and dance for the rest of my life.  How?  “What is to be done?”

1. Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

2. Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

3. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

4. Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you are told.

5. Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

6. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

7.  I need someone really bad.  Are you really bad?

8. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

9. If you think nobody cares if you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10.  Smith & Wesson: the original point and click interface.

1. Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

2. Double your drive space. Delete Windows!

3. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

4. All generalizations are false, including this one.

5. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to  hell in such a way that you will be looking to the trip.

6. If you haven’t much education, you should use your brain.

7. I am not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

8. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

9. I don’t suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it.

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Any of you who have been asked to produce a letter of recommendation might find yourselves wondering how to describe your subject’s less-than-sterling qualities.

Here are some phrases you might find useful.

It was given to me by Julian Craft, my instructor for ENGL 225 (Professional Writing) course at DeVry.

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:

“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

For an employee with no ambition:

“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.”

“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

For a stupid employee:

“There is nothing you can teach a man like him.”

“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

For a dishonest employee:

“Her true ability was deceiving.”

“He’s an unbelievable worker.”

For a employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:

“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”

“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

For the chronically absent:
”A man like him is hard to find.”

“”It seemed her career was just taking off.”

For the office drunk:

“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”

“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”

“Every hour with him was a happy hour.”

Another reads “I only look sweet and innocent.”

What is your sign?

Cineman
Member

 “The World Rocking Manual. How to get ahead of competition”. Ishq Ka Kalma Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal (Rock my World)

1. Make me laugh.  You will get my attention.

2. Be outstanding.  Find a way.  Dull conversation is not it.

3. Do not pretend to be something that you are not. 

Who I am? Quoting others:

1. You are a woman to fall in love at first sight.

2. How can I ever forget you?

3. Why would I resist a beautiful woman like you?

4. Toronto’s best-kept secret (one of your competitors on Lava told me that).

5. I love the sound of your smile.

 

Virgo, Pisces, Scorpio men have unfair advantage.  Tauruses no need to apply.   I have a weakness for the men of colour and police officers.  No, it is not the uniform.  I love people who speak several languages, at least more than one. Accents definitely a turn on, but I should be able to understand you with ease. Sexy voices. 

High sex drive. Performance will be graded.  25% of my men had problems.  Oh, really?  Really.  That bad.  Intimate pictures are not required, size matters but only a point.  It was not your choice exactly, was it?  Skills, however, are up to you to develop.  Are you too lazy?  Too content? No need to apply.

So, in short an ideal candidate looks like this 

Black Police Officer, Pisces, muscular body, intellect to match.  Have I ever met such a creature?  Yes, I did.  We even went to the same school DeVry at the same time.  But we never noticed each other there.  I met him later, after he became a police officer. But it was not meant to be.  You think I am kidding?  Check it out, if you are in the force. Police Division (5*). Initials M.J.  Did you track him down? Well, say hello.

But these are only suggestions.  If you have a strategy of your own or other great qualities, go ahead and talk to me.  I will give you a chance, but only one.  Fair enough?

http://www.altrealm.com/

Do not worry, if you are meant for me, I will not miss you.