Today is the last day of February and I don’t have time to say anything about love.  I was planning to write the whole essay.  Did not happen.

Love was promised to me in abundance for the year 2010.  Yep!  The year of the Tiger.  I read some astrological prognoses for a Scorpio.  Astrologers said it could not be any better for me as far as love goes.  It should turn my head and I should walk on air and rush about and float on the waves of love.

The year of Tiger began on February 14^th 2010.

It coincided with the St. Valentine’s Day.  Does that have any significance?  Probably not.  By the way, one of the horoscopes said that I would go on a wonderful date on St. Valentine’s Day.  I was on a date (amazingly enough!), but I wish I had have turned it down.  But maybe that was also meant to be.  The previous night was much better, when I went to a Salsa Night and danced the night away.  Maybe that can be counted as a wonderful event.  I had I a suspicion that I was almost asked out by my love (former!), but I missed his hint and we did not meet.  Maybe that is for the better as well.  Enough with the guesswork already, whatever will be, will be.

Will this year be full of love for me? No, really?  Some say, love is not enough.  Not enough for a marriage.  And they are right.  I was married, I should know better.

I shall come back to these promises next year and see.  And now, I simply continue living my life as is…

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

It is a Saturday, a sunny and cold day in Toronto.  In 1993, February 6^th was a Saturday, it was sunny in the morning and cold, the roads were slippery (talk about signs!!!), but then it warmed up enough for a real snow storm in the night.

So, today is my wedding anniversary with my first husband to whom I am no longer married.  I am not divorced from him either.  The divorce is still in the process…

I often wonder when the break up really happened and who broke what… and honestly I don’t know.  The saddest part is that I still care.  The best part is… well, the best part remains to be discovered.

Another chapter in my journey.  As much as I am unable to do anything these days or write anything, I could not miss this day.  I should make a post.  And, surprisingly enough it turns out to be the post # 342 (here it comes again, my number 42).  Madness?  Eccentricity? 

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience…”

 

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman.

 

 

“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”

 

 

“I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can’t be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn’t happened. But weddings always make me cry.” – Brendan Behan (1923-64) Irish playwright.

 

 

“Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.”

 

 

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – George Burns.

 

 

“Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.” – Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), British philosopher, Marriage and Morals.

 

 

“Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.” – Jim Backus.

 

 

“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates.

 

 

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.” –Cher

Calendar Wisdom.

Well, coming back to my calendar.  Now it is February and there is a new Chapter.  Apparently, the new theme is LOVE.

Symbols of Love.

Love is perhaps the most difficult of emotions to put into words, but that certainly hasn’t stopped anyone from trying.  When it comes to love, we come up with all sorts of ways to communicate it – gifts, surprises, good deeds, and, yes, loving words.  Consider your love for someone and look over the poetry magnets.  Which ones jump out?   Try it with different people in mind – a partner or a friend or a child – and compose a few lines with these symbols of love.

Quote of the month:

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.”  Henry David Thoreau

So, if it is the theme of the month, I will be writing about love and marriage.

Many years ago, my ex-husband and I were about to get married and the first date suggested at the Registration Office was February 13^th , Saturday.  I am not superstitious, but I refused categorically.  The next day was obviously February 14^th, the Valentine’s day (how romantic is that?), but we did not know it then.  We lived in Russia, and were totally oblivious to the dates like Valentine’s Day, Halloween (on which I was born), Thanksgiving and the rest of them.

So, not to be married on the February 13^th, we chose February 6^th instead.  Was our marriage meant to be?  Who knows?  We had a car accident on the way to the Registration Office and not all of our guests arrived to participate in the ceremony.  It is generally considered to be a bad sign, but again who knows?  And now, I can say only that we were married for 16 years and we are not married any longer.

My ex has found another love and I guess he will remarry soon.  And I struggle to remember all of those who had the folly and courage to propose marriage to me.  The question somehow resurfaced and it did not always had to do with love.  Maybe it is time to write a little story about men in my life.

January begins with the advice “End it!”.  The advice is related to my “non-relationship” with the man I am in love with.  I called him an entity in a cyberspace, but what I really wanted to say was “NON-entity”.

Moving on.  January is a time to begin, not to end.  But every ending is a new beginning.  So.  I haven’t posted anything for more than a month.  It is usually a sign of depression, but I was not depressed this time, I was in love.  I still am, but I guess I have to end it.  And begin everything else.

My friend said I was always frustrated.  Maybe, who knows?  Maybe, he does.  Maybe it is time to start being calm and relaxed.  I have made quite a number of New Year Resolutions and here is my first step.

Calendar.

This year I have bought two calendars (80% off) and I was so happy that I could find such a bargain.  On December 31, 2009, my father asked me with a perplexed expression on his face, why I bought calendars for 2009 and not 2010.  Oh, was I upset?  Definitely, frustrated!!!  Again!!!  Only because I don’t have money to waste on last year calendars.  Later I bought another one and I was upset again.  It had no pictures and the squares are not big enough to write all our appointments and dates, so I probably will reuse old calendars by gluing white paper and doing squares MANUALLY.  The reason I bought this one (no pictures) was because it had a magnetic board and words to make poetic sentences.  I bought into the idea, but it turned out to be a ridiculous waste of money again.

The same crap goes for my personal diary (agenda).  The first one I was presented with by the man who had already proposed a marriage and giving me a daughter.  “Don’t worry, I will support you!”  It is the second proposal of such kind during the last two months.  His diary is not serving its purpose.  So, I have to start writing my appointments for n-th time in another one that I had to buy myself.  Frustrating!!!  Is every new beginning so FRUSTRATING?  It is, of course, a rhetoric question.  And, believe it or not, this is just my writing.  I am not as frustrated as it might sound.  It is just my mood – I am more overwhelmed, than frustrated.

However.

This magnetic calendar has its charm, once ONE has calmed down and relaxed.  (It’d better have for $13.00!)

Darkness is good for dreaming.  The year starts when the days are shorter and temperatures are cold, a time well suited to hibernation and sleep.  In poetic terms, it’s time when the muse is recharging, dreaming of the year to come.  The ground is cleared and we begin again.  This month, work on a poem that describes your winter landscape.  What seeds are waiting for spring?  Or your garden is already growing?

I guess I have the rest of the month to come with a poem or in the very least my sarcastic rebuttal for such a ridiculous assignment.

Quote of the month.

“One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.” (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)

April 1, 2007.

The day was reserved for an outing with Daniel and possibly with Nina and Masha.  However, it began raining in the morning.  All of a sudden, Nikolai did not feel like going anywhere.  That is his usual feeling.  I suggested going to the Royal Ontario Museum to see the Peru Exhibition. It turned out that Nik needed more mental preparation for such an excursion (a month, perhaps, will do!!!)

Shopping was not on his list of priorities either.  It never is.  So I went alone. To the movies. “Reign Over Me” with Adam Sandler.  I cried through half of it, partly for Sandler’s character and partly for myself.  I am very traumatized by this relationship(s):

- conflict-laiden marriage;

- demanding, illogical, unhappy, agressive mother;

- father who lost 50% of his mental abilities and tripled his ability to infuriate.

Nikolai gave me a lift there.  On our way, he said that I was crazy and needed treatment, that I behaved like a child and that I did not want to take any responsibilities.  He also suggested that I took a taxi in order to get home.  Which I did.  (The most annoying driver and $25 – the cost of our argument).

I had  a lunch, ironically in a restaurant where I was almost ALONE, which suited my situation and my mood (talking about moods, apparently my moods were and are a big problem).

Later at home I became hysterical and suicidal, which surprised me a lot, because lately I felt a lot more in control.

“It is our job to state our thoughts and feelings clearly and to make responsible decisions that are congruent with our values and beliefs. It is not our job to make another person think and feel the way we do or the way we want them to.”  – Harriet Goldhor lerner (1985)

“Anybody can get angry… that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree and at the right time, and the right purpose.. that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” Aristotle