So I do my homework.  I bought the journal and I write in it every day, one page daily.  It has been seven days now.  Has my physical and mental health improved?  Maybe, it’s hard to say.  I have another “diary,” the idea is to write three pages every day at the beginning of the day.  I force myself to do it consistently.  I guess I figured out my major problem – it just stares right in my face.  But leaving these cryptic generalizations alone, I will just post the quotes, that inspired my writing in the “In my humble opinion” journal the past week.

Hell is other people. (Jean-Paul Sartre)

I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. (Oscar Wilde)

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. (Douglas Adams).

This world is made up for most part of morons and natural tyrants, sure of themselves, strong in their own opinions, never doubting anything. (Clarence Darrow)

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. (Albert Einstein)

Many people would sooner die than think.  In fact, they do. (Bertrand Russell)

Such is the human race.  Often it does seem such a pity that Noah … didn’t miss the boat.  (Mark Twain)

In my Humble Opinion

A journal to vent about why people are like that and why all the stupid things they do are so obvious to me, from not using their turn signals to believing they’re center of the universe to sweating small stuff to ignoring the fact that we’re all just trying to make our way in this insanely crowded world but some of us are doing it a whole lot better than others.

Other people are so annoying

If it weren’t for all those idiots, your life would be perfect.  After all, you’re a good driver, a sensible friend, a nuanced coworker, a caring mate, and, most of all, you know how to stand in a line without cutting.  Given the antics of the thronging rabble, however, “If you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention,” as the bumper sticker says.  We’d probably all be better off if we weren’t paying attention – to the tailgating jerk behind us, to the woman screeching into her cell phone, to the waiter who thinks he’s God’s gift.  Two centuries before bumper stickers enriched our lives, the eighteenth-century poet Thomas Gray said “Ignorance is bliss,” and no doubt it’s still true.

For better or worse, you don’t have the gift of oblivion.  You notice every little irritating tic and injustice and spend your hours wondering why people are like that.  And who could blame you?  Plain and simple, there’s a lot to vent about these days.  Our concerns range from the significant (war, environmental destruction, the continued popularity of reality television) to smaller, everyday annoyances (stupid pop songs, telemarketers, and overpriced coffee) to the philosophical (do humans even matter in the cosmos?)  You’re paying attention, and the result is misanthropy ranging from the vague to the acute.

One justification for your aggravation level is the overcrowding of our contemporary world.  We’re living in congested cities, competing for resources, clogging highways, and generally rubbing up against one another.  Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. famously stated, “The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins.”  The same could apply to loud music, cigarette smoke, and honking.  The damaging effects of proximity have been proven: in renowned studies on the deliberate overcrowding of rats, high levels of aggression and compromised health were the inevitable result.

Annoyance isn’t terribly good for you either.  Research shows that those who score high on a hostility scale are substantially more likely to die earlier than those at low or average levels, primarily from heart disease.  Physiologically, the effects of anger include the release of the hormones adrenaline and noradrenaline, increased heart rate and blood pressure, and the movement of sugar into the bloodstream.  It also, however, appears to be something we crave – as much as sex, food, and drugs.  According to a Vanderbilt University study, aggression engages the brain’s reward pathways and involves dopamine.

We do seem to be delighted to compare our irritations with others – witness the blogging movement.  In an article in the Minneapolis Star Tribune, Laura Lee author of The Pocket Encyclopedia of Aggravation, notes, “People like hearing that other people are bugged by the same things” because “we’re not stoning anyone or being killed by leeches, so we have the leisure to concentrate on petty annoyances.”  In his book The Emotional Revolution, Dr. Norman E. Rosenthal states, “Bad traffic, slow waiters, an insensitive boss, an incompetent employee, or an inattentive spouse are all common provocations.”

But do you have to be angry to write down your humble opinions?  Certainly not.  “Humble opinion” is, of course, an understatement – whenever anybody uses that phrase, the presumption is that opinion is correct and better than everyone else’s.  Even when it’s expressed as an acronym online (IMHO), it’s false mitigation of what you know to be right – your view.  And what better place to express that than a journal, where nobody can contradict you?

Whether you scribble your two cents’ worth or vent your rage on any given day, journaling is a healthy outlet for your thoughts.  You won’t anger anybody else, and, should you be irritated, you might just work through your own anger.  Experts now believe that anger is generally best when it’s suppressed (not expressed) but that it can be damaging when it’s repressed (not known or acknowledged).  In his book Anger: How to Recognize and Cope with It, Dr. Leo Madow notes, “If anger is considered as ‘energy’, it cannot be destroyed (forgotten) but must be converted.”

Fortunately, the benefits of journal writing have been examined, to surprisingly consistent results.  According to a widely cited study by James W. Pennebaker and Janel D. Seagal, “Writing about important personal experiences is an emotional way for as little as fifteen minutes over the course of three days brings about improvements in mental and physical health.”  Proven physical effects include stress management, strengthened immune systems, fewer doctor visits, and improvement in chronic illnesses such as asthma (clearly it’s better to vent in your journal than to hyperventilate).  “It’s hard to believe,” says Pennebaker, a psychology professor at the University of Texas at Austin, but “being able to put experiences into words is good for your physical health.”  Kathleen Adams, founder of the Center for Journal Therapy, calls journals “79-cent therapists.”

It’s not entirely clear how journaling accomplishes all this.  The consensus among experts is that catharsis is involved, but they also point to the organization of experience into a narrative.  According to Newsweek, some scholars believe that journaling “forces us to transform the ruminations cluttering our minds into coherent stories.  Writing about an experience may also dull its emotional impact.”  Psychologist Ira Progoff, widely considered to be the father of the modern journaling movement, stated in 1975 that an “intensive journal process” could “draw each person’s life toward wholeness at its own tempo.”

As a devotee of this journal, you obviously have opinions, be they humble or (more likely) really smart.  You’ve chosen not to blog (at least in this case) but rather to learn from your own conclusions and pet peeves.  To best utilize the journaling process, however, don’t blindly vent, as that may exacerbate your frustration with the teeming masses.  Instead, get your feelings out, then try to understand them.  A few additional tips to consider: experts agree that in order to reap the benefits of journaling, you have to stick with it, quasi-daily, for as little as five minutes at a time (at least fifteen minutes, however, is best).  Finding regular writing times and comfortable locations can help with consistency.  Prompt your writing with questions; in the case of this journal, elaborate on “Why people are like that today” and “Definitive conclusion about humanity.”  The In My Humble Opinion journal’s quotations will also provide a jumping-off point for your writing.  Renowned journaler Anais Nin suggests asking yourself, “What feels vivid, warm, or near to you at the moment?”  Don’t critique your writing as you journal; journaling is a process of self-reflection, not a constructed composition.  In other words, spew.  Finally, determine a home for your journal where others won’t find it.

Thomas Jefferson declared, “When angry, count ten, before you speak.  If very angry, an hundred.”  Mark Twain leavened Jefferson’s advice: “When angry, count four.  When very angry, swear.” We say, “When you are angry, irritated, or you just have a humble opinion to express, journal.”

taken from Knock Knock “In my humble opinion” journal – which is made specifically to journal irritating or any other experiences.  I wanted to buy it as a present, but I could not resist the temptation to keep it.  I have plenty of  journals, structured, non-structured, more personal, less personal, online ramblings, participation in discussions, but this one just appealed to me.  Let’s see, how much benefit I can reap from this one.

 Thanks for writing. It sounds like you are having a difficult time. At this time, the WISE program does not seem to be a helpful next step for you.

 I hope you get the right support to help you through this difficult time.

 Regards,

 Counsellor # 1

Employment Counsellor

WISE Program-JVS Toronto

10 King Street East, Suite 300

Toronto, ON M5C 1C3

  My comment: Of course, if you have a difficult time, it is better to remove yourself and go somewhere else!

From: me
Sent: June 18, 2007 2:38 PM
To: Counellor # 1
Subject: Appointment

DearCounsellor # 1:

I need to make an appointment with you, if you have time this week it would be great.

I need your help in finding specific employment, so our meeting would be strictly professional (no emotions, crying or yelling on my part).  I did what I did partly because I simply broke down.  Not only machines break down, but people, too.  But unlike machines, people who break down and cannot handle it are expected or asked to behave by other people who can behave and handle it at the time.   It is a paradox.  I got professional help every step of my way and now I am handling my life much better.

I completed the “Career Exploration” manual on my own and I have an Action Plan.  Meaning, I know how I can start making money, but I need to make a transition from being employable to be employed.  I will you give the specifics later.  Let me assure you that it is all-appropriate and all within your job specifications.  I did not read your job specifications, but I think i have a very good understanding what they are.

Thank you in advance,

 Svetlana

 Hi Svetlana,

I replied to your e-mail on June 5, saying that the WISE program doesn’t seem to be a suitable next step for you at this time.  I didn’t hear back from you on this issue for two weeks. Your file is now closed in WISE.

Although your file is closed, we can arrange a time to meet once and discuss the action plan you said you have developed as well as your next steps. I can offer you any comments I may have on your action plan.

 If you would like to continue your participation in WISE, your file will have to be re-opened. To do that, we need to get more information regarding your health, professional support system, and treatment for managing the crisis you have been experiencing recently. This information is needed to understand how your current state of health would affect your future employment, and to determine if an employment preparation program would be an appropriate option for you at this time. This will also include signing a consent form to allow us to consult other professionals supervising your health. Based on this information, a decision can be made about re-opening your file.

I won’t be able to meet with you this week. I can see you on Monday June 25 at any of these  times:  10:00,11:30,  or 2:00. Please let me know if you decide to take any of these appointments.

 Regards,

 Employment Counsellor # 1

My comment: You see, it is obvious, as soon as “the Helpers” realize that you need special attention, the first thing to do is to get rid of the problem.  That is how they problem solve.  I am still wondering how many people are really helped by JVS.  I wish I could see the statistics of how many women found new careers and fulfilled their dreams.  Because JVS staff is certainly ill equipped to help.  Moreover, they don’t care.

On June 19, 2007, I wrote:

Dear Counsellor # 1:

I would like to take the appointment on Monday, June 25, at 14:00, please.

I did not realize that I had to respond to your previous message so I did not.  I just took it for its face value – no.  No means no, you did not want to meet with me at that time.  I thought it was fair.  I asked the simple question bearing very little suspense of what the answer could be.  Only two possibilities, yes or no, hence the simplicity.  No was a valid answer for me.  Anyway, that was my impression.

I did seek professional help all the way of the process. I am honest (remember, honesty is my core value). To tell you the truth you were the first in line.  “Career exploration” was the beginning, and then when I needed to see a crisis counselor I did (please do not forget that you gave me all the contacts).  And I am grateful.

If you need information about me, I will give it to you, but this time I might ask to see the Rules and Regulations of JVS as well.  You are an employee who follows the rules of the organization and you are in the position of power.  On the other hand, I am a customer who comes not knowing your rules and I have to simply trust that you know what you do and you have all the qualifications and you actually follow the rules.  It is unfair.  It became very obvious now that I have to prove it to you that I am entitled to your help and you do not have to prove anything to me.  When I came to JVS, all I wanted was a direction to go and I what I got was an Exploration Journey.  I learned so much it feels that I am back at University again.  Which feels great, I was scared and helpless, now I can handle fear and I stand up for myself.  Wasn’t it that the idea?  Feel the fear and do it anyway?  I did my homework; I read the book that was recommended.

If you need proof, I will give it to you, but do not expect me to trust something that I simply do not know.  I am entitled to find out and I ask.  Nicely.  I am not in a business of suing people, I simply get what I want by using resources == systems.  And I follow the rules.  You can trust me on that.

 Well, there is a rule that I bended again! 
I over explained.  Because I like you and I thought it will be easier for you to understand. I might be wrong.  I am human, I make mistakes, I have emotions.  But believe me I like people and people like me.  I have the proof.  I understand people.  Do you?

Take care,

Svetlana Ivanova

Still wondering about my sanity?  Stop.  I am out of my mind.  The first time I walked into Scarborough Grace Hospital was on May 16, 2007.  I felt awful – I knew I needed help.  What did get?  Right – the treatment!!!  Professionals treated me as a nutcase, they locked me in, tied to the bed and well, the story is fairly long– I will tell you later. Oh, yes, I will.

Coming back to my number.  42.

Speaking about coincidences – Form 42 – Mental Health Act.

Dated May 16, 2007, it has two checkmarks

The Physician certified that she has reasonable cause to believe that you have:

• Shown or are showing a lack of competence to care for yourself;
• Serious physical impairment of you.

That is for coming to Hospital seeking help.

Forget 2007.  Now comes 2008 – I was hospitalized two or three times. The first time at the Scarborough Grace hospital again.  I was locked up again.  That is where I met him.  I just opened my eyes from the deep sleep induced by the bloody medications and He comes in singing “That is Amore”.  It was very extraordinary.  A few days later when we were allowed on the regular premises of the Psychiatric Ward, we were sitting outside on the patio and I was half-asleep as usual and then I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw – He jumped two meters away from me.

I asked him “What happened?”

He said: “I just got an erection”

I said: “What did I do?”

He said: “Nothing. I just looked into your eyes!”

That was the moment I will never forget.

Later I bought him a souvenir == a sailboat “Blue and Crystal”, but he was mad at me and he refused even to look at it.  I still have it, it is a souvenir and an inspiration.

There is the song – That’s Amore by Dean Martin –

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpPvl0X1hKA&feature=related

In Napoli where love is king

When boy meets girl here’s what they say

When the moon hits you eye like a big pizza pie

That’s amore

When the world seems to shine like you’ve had too much wine

That’s amore

Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling

And you’ll sing “Vita bella”

Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay

Like a gay tarantella

When the stars make you drool just like a pasta fazool

That’s amore

When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet

You’re in love

When you walk down in a dream but you know you’re not

Dreaming signore

Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Napoli

That’s amore

(When the moon hits you eye like a big pizza pie

That’s amore

When the world seems to shine like you’ve had too much wine

That’s amore

Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling

And you’ll sing “Vita bella”

Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay

Like a gay tarantella

When the stars make you drool just like a pasta fazool)

That’s amore

(When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet

You’re in love

When you walk down in a dream but you know you’re not

Dreaming signore

Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Napoli)

That’s amore

Lucky fella

When the stars make you drool just like a pasta fazool)

That’s amore

(When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet

You’re in love

When you walk down in a dream but you know you’re not

Dreaming signore

Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Napoli)

That’s amore, (amore)

That’s amore