A Dark Horse

I have done this analysis before.  Once I walked in an Art Shop and met a nice young man by the name William who actually had read “Crime and Punishment” by Dostoevsky.  We had a heated discussion and I said that I was not quite sure that foreigners were even close to understanding Dostoevsky because of the way he wrote.  Something must be lost in translation.  William did agree, and expressed that “colour yellow” was lost in translation.  The discussion was not limited to “Crime and Punishment”, Dostoevsky, literature or colours for that matter.  At the time I was very much interested in the Personality Dimensions of Blue – Orange – Green – Gold variety and suggested that we find out William’s colours.  He said that he would be willing to do that only if I agreed to do go through the Cube Personality Test.  I don’t remember his colours, but I remember this story.

And I remember vividly my own results of the Cube Personality Test.  Do you know why William was so adamant about the Cube Personality Test?  He thought I was “so full of myself”.  He couldn’t be more wrong.

The questions he asked me were not exactly the same as I found just recently on the Internet, but I will try to tell the story as accurately as I possibly can.

First of all, there was no white room.  He asked me to imagine a scene and myself in it.  So I imagined myself on the ocean shore, walking on the beach, feet in the water, eyes looking down at my feet, occasionally looking up at the scenery, green and mountainous, beautiful beyond imagination.

Source: http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Salt-Cay-Turks-and-Caicos-Islands-Posters_i3689447_.htm

Cube.

I don’t remember whether he suggested that I should imagine a WHITE cube.  But I did.  It was far away in the ocean, fairly small in size.  So, I was not “full of myself” at all, far from it and my ego was smaller in 2008, than it is now in 2010.  But it is true, I have learned a lot from my experiences in these two years and I gained some confidence.  The fact that the cube was white…  Either it was according to his suggestion, or I did not hide from others who I was at that moment.

Flowers.

There were no flowers in his scenario.

Ladder.

Ladder was also white, fairly small in size, floating in the water, obviously in a horizontal position.  No interpretation needed.  No goals, no aspiration, no ambition.  Or all of it was in a slumber state.

Source: http://thumb18.shutterstock.com.edgesuite.net/photos/display_pic_with_logo/182188/182188,1242375239,1.jpg

By the way, it is not what I imagined, but when I was looking for an  image, I could not resist.  I so do love spirals and twists!

Horse.

He asked for the colour of the horse.  I had trouble picking between black and white.  I chose black in the end.  The horse was running towards me.  I don’t know why I was so perplexed with the horse images and still I remember mostly this horse.  In Russian, we have an expression “a dark horse”, meaning somebody with fairly inconspicuous looks who turns out to be a winner quite unexpectedly.  I guess it is the same in English.  If that horse is running towards me and I haven’t seen it yet, it probably means, that the horse has quite a journey.  I am still curious.  Really!

Source: http://www.blessedbylife.com/images/blackhorsebeach.jpg

That is my horse precisely, my dream has been photographed.

Rainstorm.

Rainstorm is far in the ocean, but the sky is darkening and the storm is quite serious.

Source: http://www.roadsideoregon.com/?cat=3

I don’t know about you, but I had fun doing this test.  I love imagery and it is quite memorable.  Now it is time to go back to my challenges (opportunities)!

By the way, I just decided to test my parents.  It was so much fun.  My mom’s ego is red and bigger than mine, my dad’s ego is BLACK (help! what does that mean?) and the same size as mine.  Really, you should try it!

Et si tu n’existais pas
Je crois que je l’aurais trouvé
Le secret de la vie, le pourquoi
Simplement pour te créer
Et pour te regarder

Above all, I like beauty, balance, and harmony.  It may come as existence inspiring, uplifting and intoxicating as the scent of fresh rain mixed with the air of spring or melancholic, enigmatic and refined.

I cannot remember how many times I have been asked what I am looking for.  The only answer I can come with is Pure Happiness.  As simple as that.  I have learned to enjoy small things in life, here and now, a cup of coffee, a walk, a good conversation, a smile from a stranger, a sound of rain, snow falling on my eyelashes.  I am not looking for perfection, which in my opinion does not exist anyways.

Existence inspiring, uplifting and intoxicating

Source: http://vi.sualize.us/view/kallini2002/7052d8370eacfe4b12ffa31eb111d0b1/

I am looking for a kindred spirit, a man I can fall in love with, totally losing myself and yet having the luxury of remaining myself.  Eyes I can drown in I find totally irresistible.  Anything that has depth to it.  Dark clouds, oceans, mirror effects, reflections, fluidity, illusions, allusions, formlessness.

Foreign languages, literature, films, poetry, images, paradoxes, songs that reflect my mood, dancing, some insanity once in awhile, passion, fall colours, colours Blue and Orange for one reason, colours Dark Maroon and Deep Wine-Red for quite another, courage, absurdity, intensity, character, sense of humour, philosophy, quotes.

Things I don’t like, though.  Over explaining.

I hate  verbal diarrhea and mental constipation.  Especially combined.  Arrogance.  Righteousness.  Pretence.  Superficiality.  Indifference.

This is a letter to my career counsellor – she was much better than the other “facilitator”.  Of course, she was not prepared to deal with anybody of my Dimensions.  But she gave me some time, she tried to undestarnd me, at least I am still under the impression that she made an effort.  Whatever happened, happened and there is nothing I can do about it.  It was a learning experience for me.  Absolutely and totally invaluable.  I don’t write like that anymore, but it was necessary to do it at that stage.

From: me

Sent: June 4, 2007 12:25 AM

To: Employment Counsellor # 1

Subject: My Story

Dear Counsellor # 1:

I am sorry I could not keep our appointment on May 22, but I was kept in a hospital.  Since I was nicely asked to remove myself from JVS program so as to make everyone else comfortable and capable of pursuing his or her dreams, I was admitted to hospital.  Twice.  Both times admission was my responsibility.  Totally.  I made people very uncomfortable there too, not for the pleasure of it, but for getting results.  Remember… there is no right or wrong, there is no good or bad, there are differences of (opinion, preferences, ways to get what you want, even though in the end we all want the same thing).

You met me and you know me enough to guess that I can frustrate people.  How?  By simply asking professionals to do their jobs or by asking them help me.  Their way or my way, it does not matter.  My challenge is to get results.  I get them all the time: they are sometimes simply hilarious or ridiculous, but often painful for others and especially me.  The doctors & nurses (trained medic professionals) tried to cure me from my condition.  They failed.  My case is not in the manuals and instructions yet.  I hope it will never make it to the mysterious rules of the mysterious System.

Please stop trying to cure me from being Blue, Green, Gold and Orange.  Especially from becoming or discovering Orange.  I feel that I have so much Orange in me, it hurts.  This Orange is very vibrant and very pushy colour – it exudes from every pore.

Remember, Counsellor # 1, I told you I must be brown because most nuts are?  When I actually mixed Blue and Orange paints, I’ve got… well, a new colour and its name starts with B….

Well, anyway, this is my story.  Would you like to hear it?  Well, it’s up to you.  Remember the rules, simple questions, no chewed food, power of vocabulary and so forth. 

Shall we repeat it?  Would you like to hear my story (simple question (Yes or No)).

If yes, let me know.

If no, I would like to take this opportunity to say

Thank you, Counsellor # 1, very much for being who you are and thank you for your courage and honesty. Honesty is what I admire in people.

Thank you, Counsellor # 1

Honestly

====================================================================

Of course, she did not want to hear the story.  That is the problem with our society.  We always think that we know what the outcome will be.  Why do anything, if we already “know” what will happen?

The point is “we don’t know until we try”.  I did try.  JVS kicked me out.  I was treated by psychiatrists.  I was “helped”  by police.  I was helped by many people who “knew” what I needed.  And that is how I learned my lesson.  Now I know who I am and what I want, what I can do and what I will do.  Testing is not about sanity.  Testing is about figuring out the life, the universe and everything.  Children do it all the time, that is how they learn.  We tend to believe what we are told instead of trying for ourselves.  I did my testing.

Can you do the same?  No, really?  Discovery is painful, but it is worth it.

Ö       Maybe I lost my steam.

Ö       Maybe I am not interested in the story anymore.

Ö       Maybe I am just tired.

Ö       Maybe something (or somebody) killed my inspiration.

But I know I must finish the story.  So, from what angle should I approach this JVS business?

Remember my JVS Profile? 

I was Blue (14) – Green (10) – Gold (9) – Orange (7).

But not for long.  Once I read the book “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway”, I started doing it.  Doing it despite my fear…  I overcame my fear and became a rather scary person for others.  This society is ruled by FEAR.  So, I started discovering that my second defining COLOUR is Orange, not Green.  I started doing things that I have never done before.  Instead of complying, conforming and generally being a good girl, I started pushing the boundaries and testing the waters.  In order to find out what will happen if I do this and that, I should not sit and speculate, I should do it.  That how testing is done.  Call it research.  I call it CRIME AND PUNISHMENT.  ACTION AND CONSEQUENCE.

The next day after JVS had kicked me out (had asked me nicely to go), I went to the hospital (Scarborough Grace it was called in 2007, well no longer, but does it matter?) and I did a research there on how they would they treat me.  Oh, boy. Did I get results?

The Hospital stories are yet to come.  For now, I will try to finish the JVS Story.

AUTHENTIC BLUE

Ö        Attention-getting misbehaviour

o       (every time They kicked me out, it was for Disruptive Behaviour!!!)

Ö        Withdrawal

Ö        Fantasy, day-dreaming, and trancing out

Ö        Crying and depression

Ö        Passive resistance

Ö        Yelling and screaming

INQUIRING GREEN

Ö        Indecisiveness

Ö        Refusal to comply or cooperate

Ö        Extreme aloofness and withdrawal

Ö        Snobbish, put-down remarks, and sarcasm

Ö        Refusal to communicate; the silent treatment

Ö        Perfectionism due to severe performance anxiety

Ö        Highly critical attitudes towards yourself or others

RESOURCEFUL ORANGE

Ö        Rudeness and defiance

Ö        Breaking the rules intentionally

Ö        Running away and dropping out

Ö        Use of stimulants

Ö        Acting out boisterously

Ö        Lying and cheating

Ö        Physical aggresiveness

ORGANIZED GOLD

Ö        Complaining and self-pity

Ö        Anxiety and worry

Ö        Depression and fatigue

Ö        Psychosomatic problems

Ö        Malicious judgements about yourself and others

Ö        Authoritarianism and phobic reactions