Musings on Music, Love, Life and not only

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“Love is a drama of contradictions.”
— Franz Kafka

“Life’s splendor forever lies in wait about each one of us in all its fullness, but veiled from view, deep down, invisible, far off. It is there, though, not hostile, not reluctant, not deaf. If you summon it by the right word, by its right name, it will come.”
— Franz Kafka (Diaries of Franz Kafka 1914-1923)

“And I leave my post of observation and find I have had enough of this outside life; I feel that there is nothing more that I can learn here, either now or at any time. And I long to say a last goodbye to everything up here, to go down into my burrow never to return again, let things take their course, and not try to retard them with my profitless vigils.”
— Franz Kafka (The Basic Kafka)

“Beyond a certain point there is no return. This point has to be reached.”
— Franz Kafka

“All I am is literature, and I am not able or willing to be anything else.”
— Franz Kafka

From correspondence with my friend.

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I:

[…]  I don’t like Salsa music.

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He:

There is no salsa music; under 80% of world songs you can dance salsa. Term “salsa music” is created by people, who don’t understand concept of dancing.

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I:

Since it is clearly not a compliment, should I consider it as an invitation for a fight?  LOL

[…there was a link of a song, not a Salsa one…]
This one is not Salsa.  And I like it whatever your opinion might be.  Taste is always a personal matter.  I think.

You are stuck in an adolescent stage; I will send you the explanation once I have it.  Stop teaching the world, relax and enjoy today and NOW.

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He:

“You are stuck in an adolescent stage” – thank you for this – because this is the highest compliment possible.

The problem is that most of the people (99.99% period) never pass this stage (not only “stuck”) – they are born old – and that is the main problem of mankind - people are old – cannot learn, enjoy, evolve – and if they cannot do that, guess, who they are – right – they are our old friends – idiots.

By the way, who told you that I don’t enjoy life – this is exactly what I am doing all the time (probably, even too much) – because I am in “adolescent stage” of my life.

I see, you have last time some taste to have little fight with me – it is OK – the most important that it entertains you (I hope).

Regards & kisses (if allowed).

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I:

It makes me laugh.  I passed the stage of criticizing everyone & everything long time ago.  I was joking about fighting.  Frankly, I feel wiser than you and according to the theory of soul evolution; I am three stages further than you.  Don’t worry, there are people ahead of me – I still have a long way to go and suffer evolving.  That is why I said I will send you the info, once I have it, you wouldn’t believe me, of course, but it is not my goal to persuade.  But it requires reading. LOL

But I don’t feel superior.  To anyone.  I like people and they like me – it is genuine.  Passion & compassion go along way, so do love & kindness.

"Now the Sirens have a still more fatal weapon than their song, namely their silence... someone might possibly have escaped from their singing; but from their silence, certainly never." — Franz Kafka

The reason I say you don’t enjoy life is that is how I see you.  Maybe it is not the image you want others to have… but it is for you to discover your own reflection.

Kissing in virtual space is fine, but in real life, I guess, these things are taken care of.  You know what is my love mystery?  It is passion.  I cannot go long without it.  It is passion for everything, for love, for life, for music, for dancing. I have no time for teaching world how wrong it is.  Besides, I don’t think the world is wrong or people are idiots for that matter.  Even my seven-year-old son is capable of saying things that amaze me.

We went to see an adult movie, never mind why, and it was a romantic comedy.  He asked me what a romantic comedy was and I said it was a funny movie about love.  You know what he said?  “Mom, there is nothing funny about love”.  There.  Then he cried during the movie when Julia Roberts wanted to leave the guy she was in love with.  It was priceless.  Love is always good answer and if there is no other meaning of life, love is a good one.

By the way, if you are a true Leo, that should be your thing – LOVE (besides being a teenager, LOL).  Am I wrong?  Don’t take it as insult, my son is Leo and he lives up to the promise of being full of LOVE.

All right, I am going for a walk – to enjoy the weather and the beauty of my favourite month & season.

Trying to stick to the theme – LOVE.  I fell in love but again not with a person, but with an illusion.  I will see how February turns out.  I made a resolution – to disappear from his horizon starting February 1^st.  Keeping resolutions is, of course, much harder than making them.  So, we talked on February 3^rd.  Does not matter.  From now on, I have to disappear…

Why would I want to forget?

I cannot write. About anything.  Yes, that bad.

Forget about love.  Not happening.

Not making love, not falling in love.

Only forgetting.

I will forget, forget, forget…………………………………………………………………

“You will not touch my heart”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0aO5ZVK_C4

You will not touch my heart;

you will not take it and break it.

Just go and never return.

Without you, I will still be alive.

My pain… I cannot describe it. I am having a conversation with my Pain.

Yet, it will go away, too.

My wings, I will give them to passers-by…

There is only one thing left, to replace love with something else…

Point of No Return. Countdown: Ready, set, go!!!

Conversation:

He:       I will return.

Me:      You will forget about my existence in a month or two.

            And, no, you will not return.

He:       No, I will not forget. Maybe you will forget me in a month.

So, the clock is set. Ciao, darling, ciao. Let’s see who is more forgetful.  Not that I don’t know.  I wish I could forget so easily.  It is a skill, maybe I should master it?

Another skill to master – insight – trusting intuition.

Why did I fall in love with non-entity?

When it is hopeless, should I still hope?

Maybe I should.  There must be the one who would be able to return my feelings.  That clock has been set when I was born.  Still nobody is in sight… insight.

Tango – When it is hopeless

«Знать и чувствовать, что злое «никогда» – не просто слово, а моя судьба, что учит без надежды жить любя…»

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyooF_UTJAk&feature=related

To know and feel that spiteful “never” is not just a word, but my fate that teaches me to continue living with love and without hope…

What I mean is

It is very much a rough draft, but there won’t be a final version.  This is my diary, my writing space, and my attempt to get to the Point Of Things.  For that, I have to get out of the mess, I had got myself into.

So free writing in a free style.  Flying Free…………

I have been told and admired and complimented on the clearness of my thinking and the ability to express myself.  But sometimes when I get to be too clear, people get offended, so I have to learn how to use the words to do the opposite.  Cloud and disguise the meaning or just say something and mean nothing.  The best thing is, of course, to remain silent, but it is not always possible and that, too, might be regarded offensive.  Moreover, I have to work on my ability to resist temptation to react to whatever is around me.  Maybe just hold it for a while and take it to a different place and then go ahead with self-expression.  The best place is where nobody is around!

And then SCREAM: “What the F-CK!”  or “What a F-cking Day!”

I wish I had a screaming place, but I don’t.  Well, moving on.

Apparently, we miscommunicate quite often.  If not always.  We misunderstand.  Each other, ourselves.  We don’t bother to check once in a while if we use words in its proper meaning.  What are the dictionaries for?  Who cares?  I do.

Sometimes, I ask people to define or explain.  Not for fun, but to get to the core of things.  So we get closer to mutual understanding.  My words are balance and harmony, not f-words (like Frustration).  But mutual understanding more often than not turns out to be “mission impossible”.  “Definition Game” can be funny, ridiculous, or downright depressing.  People are offended when they realize that they cannot define even the most common words on the spot.  I know it is not such an easy task, to begin with, but it should make us think, find out, analyze, do some cleaning in our minds.  Clean our language.  Believe it or not, it is doable.

Cleaning

Let me call it Spring Cleaning.  But it is January, I have been told.  So?  Do you have a sense of humour?  What is sense of humour?  Whose?  Mine, yours.  Or mine is definitely or definitively of a wrong type.  That I’ve been told, too.  What is right? What is wrong?  Do you have an idea of conversations I sometimes get myself into?  But I am clearly out of my mind.  So is everybody else, by the way.  Out of my mind, that is.  Do I have a point?  There you go.  So, we have something in common, collectively being out of my mind.

You can relax, I am just playing with words.  The point is…  The point is Point Zero. 

That was one of my posts in the very beginning.

http://www.altrealm.com/english/conversations/2008-08-30/what-is-your-point/

What I mean is…  Isn’t it the hardest things to explain, what the hell we mean, when we ourselves have no idea.  Well, most of the time.

So, I am doing some cleaning in my room, in my life and at the same time, I just keep notes.

Let’s play a definition game.

Let’s define a…  Wait, what is a definition?  Why don’t I start with the definition of a definition?

I will make it short.

A definition is an essence an explanation.

Definitive is conclusive, final. Or.  Limiting, defining, distinguishing.

So, every definition is limiting by its nature.

Going back to the root of the word:  definire <de – from + finis – boundary>

Problem solved.  Define means to set or settle limits.

And there is example from the dictionary.

Perseverance usually defines success.

Reframing è Perseverance usually limits success.

I will not be defining now “perseverance”, “usually”, or especially “success”.  What an thankless task!  I am not quite sure if I made things clearer, or messed them slightly up, but at least I can laugh at it.  That is one of the ways I can entertain myself with.

Once a friend of mine, Oleg, told a joke and nobody was laughing, but him.  Being young and not always considerate, I asked him quite bluntly, why do you laugh alone?  Is it not a sign of stupidity?  He simply said, “so what, if nobody laughs, why should I refrain myself?”  Not only have I remembered this story for so long, but now I can see his point.  If nobody entertains me, I can do it myself.  And I had become an expert in it by now.

So, was it my perseverance that defined (limited) my success?

But what is success?  Especially mine?

I was in Downtown, I have just had my hair done, but I did not have any make up and honestly speaking I did not feel so attractive.  However, something happened.  Out of the Blue.

I noticed Him, he passed me by and then suddenly returned.  The conversaion went:

He: “Excuse me, can I ask you a question?  Do you have a boyfriend?”

I: I just laughed and laughed (he did catch me off guard. Entirely!)

I: hesitated for a while, but then pointed at my “GUESS” t-shirt and said that today it is my answer  for all the questions.  I laughed again.

He: If you don’t have a boyfriend, I will move straight ahead.

I: What is your sign?

He: My sign?! “Stop”

I: Well, my sign is “GO”! So we don’t match.

He became very angry and said: “Do you realize how difficult it is to find a man in Toronto?”

I: I laughed again, because since I joined Lavalife meeting men became quite easy.

He: You know what?  Your sign is “POINT OF NO RETURN”!

He turned and disappeared.  And I thought “What the hell?!”

No, really, what the what?  Any comments?