Source: http://media.photobucket.com/image/impossible%20is%20nothing/pedro925/impossible.jpg?o=11

A person knows nothing…

But a person does believe, think, imagine, make up, recall and guess a lot.

Source: http://al.turtlecounseling.com/blog/_archives/2005/3/11/418514.html

Emotional Competency

Well, well, well…  I did not have time to write anything.  Not that I really wanted.  But there is good news – after all this time, after all my efforts, I suddenly came to realize who I am, the good, the bad and the ugly.  It is a revelation, you could laugh at it all you want, but I was blind.  Now I am upset, but hopeful.  I am back to square one.  The April Fool Joke is all on me.  Well I am Fool and a grandiose Fool at that, but at least now I realize it.  What a relief!!!

“Don’t ignore the past.  It is the place where we keep who we were and who we’ve grown from.”

“What is madness but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.”

“The way you see it is never the way it is.”

“Your truth is never the Truth.”

Source: http://al.turtlecounseling.com/blog/_archives/2005/3/11/418514.html

I am glad that I had the courage to look at the things they are now and regret that it took me so long.  But it is what it is and it is imperative to press forward.

Since there is no time to waste, I am not quite sure whether to continue updating my site or abandon it altogether.  Until I make a decision to quit, I will try and make short posts.

There is one site I found, which I intend to explore –

http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/

you can do it too – that is my suggestion for the day.

There are a few lines that drew me in

Passion + Reason = Constructive Action. This is the essence of emotional competency.

And a few quotes

“Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.” ~ St. Augustine

“First-person viewpoint is the fundamental asymmetry of humanity.” ~ Leland R. Beaumont

Calendar Wisdom.

I am trying to stick to the monthly assignments from the calendar.  In February, I have not done such a good job.  Even though, I was thinking about love, but I did not write so much about it.  But it certainly made me think.  I even picked a couple of books on dating.  I did not expect to find much in them, but surprisingly enough they opened my eyes.  I even started following the advice given in them.  I hope I will write about some of my experiences in the LOVE department or as we used to say in Russia “on the love front” (I guess, everything is a battle for us!)

But there is a new beginning.  AGAIN.  A new Chapter.  Calendar Chapters are months.  So there is a new month.  March’s theme is “New Thinking”.  The major idea is in order to get where you want or anywhere at all, from point “A” to point “not A”, you need at least to start moving.  Forward, one might assume.  Or backward.  Or in circles (I hope NOT!)  Well…

New Thinking.

Sometimes the challenge of moving forward isn’t simply seeing the path, it’s taking the first step.  And to move our thinking forward, we have to make mental leaps into uncharted territory.  Pick your favorite word in the first line of a poem, using it from the tiles.  Each day use this word in the first line of a poem, using it as differently as possible each day: as a noun, a verb, an adjective, as something good, something bad, as something personal, as something public.  Stretch your imagination and see where one word can take you.

Quote of the month:

“Every child is an artist.  The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”

 - Pablo Picasso

So… I am picking the word “SUCCESS”

Victor Pelevin “The Sacred Book of Werewolf”

Have you seen the hit of the last Venice Biennale – the haystack in which the first Belarusian postmodernist, Mikolai Klimaksovich, hid from his local police inspector for four years?  Alexander called this work plagiaristic and told Brian about the similar haystack famously used before the revolution by Vladimir Lenin.  Brian observed that repetition is not necessarily plagiarism, it is the very essence of the postmodern, or – to put it in broader terms – the foundation of the modern cultural gestalt, which is manifested in everything, from the cloning of sheep to remakes of old movies, for what else can you do after the end of history?  Brian said it was precisely Klimaksovich’s use of quotation that made him a postmodernist, not a plagiarizer.  But Alexander objected that no quotations would ever have saved this Klimaksovich from the Russian police, and history might have come to an end in Belarus, but there was not sign of it breaking down yet in Russia.

Then Brian showed Alexander a work by Asuro Keshami, one which he regards with especial affection, not least owing to the serious investment required for its production and installation.  Keshami’s work, inspired by the oeuvre of Camille Paglia, of whom you must have heard, consists of an immense tube of red plastic with projections on the inside in the form of white fangs.  It is proposed to install in the open air in one of London’s sports stadiums.

And now I am getting to the point.  One of the most serious problems in the world of modern art is the invention of original and fresh verbal interpretations of a work.  Literally just a few phrases are required, which can be reprinted in the catalogues and reviews.  This apparently trivial detail can often decide the fate of a piece of art.  It is very important here to be able to perceive things from an unexpected, shocking angle, and your friend, with his barbarically fresh view of the world, does this remarkably well.  Therefore, Brian would like permission to use the ideas expressed by Alexander yesterday for the conceptual support of the installation.  The accompanying text which I include below is by way of being a fusion of Brian’s and Alexander’s ideas:

Asuro Keshami’s work ‘VD-42 CC’ combines the languages of different areas – engineering, technology and science.  At the base level the subject-matter is the overcoming  of space: physical space, the space of taboo and the space of our subconscious fears.  The languages of engineering and technology deal with the material from which the object is constructed, but the artist addresses the viewer in the language of emotions.  When the viewer learns that certain people have given this little queer fifteen million pounds to stretch out a huge imitation-leather cunt above an abandoned soccer pitch, he remembers what he does in his own life and how much he is paid for it, then he looks at the photo of this little queer in his horn-rimmed spectacles and funny jacket, and experiences confusion and bewilderment bordering on the feeling that the German philosopher Martin Heidegger called ‘abandonment’ (Geworfenheit).  The viewer is invited to concentrate on these feelings, which constitute the precise aesthetic effect that the installation attempts to achieve.

Trying to stick to the theme – LOVE.  I fell in love but again not with a person, but with an illusion.  I will see how February turns out.  I made a resolution – to disappear from his horizon starting February 1^st.  Keeping resolutions is, of course, much harder than making them.  So, we talked on February 3^rd.  Does not matter.  From now on, I have to disappear…

Why would I want to forget?

I cannot write. About anything.  Yes, that bad.

Forget about love.  Not happening.

Not making love, not falling in love.

Only forgetting.

I will forget, forget, forget…………………………………………………………………

“You will not touch my heart”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0aO5ZVK_C4

You will not touch my heart;

you will not take it and break it.

Just go and never return.

Without you, I will still be alive.

My pain… I cannot describe it. I am having a conversation with my Pain.

Yet, it will go away, too.

My wings, I will give them to passers-by…

There is only one thing left, to replace love with something else…

Point of No Return. Countdown: Ready, set, go!!!

Conversation:

He:       I will return.

Me:      You will forget about my existence in a month or two.

            And, no, you will not return.

He:       No, I will not forget. Maybe you will forget me in a month.

So, the clock is set. Ciao, darling, ciao. Let’s see who is more forgetful.  Not that I don’t know.  I wish I could forget so easily.  It is a skill, maybe I should master it?

Another skill to master – insight – trusting intuition.

Why did I fall in love with non-entity?

When it is hopeless, should I still hope?

Maybe I should.  There must be the one who would be able to return my feelings.  That clock has been set when I was born.  Still nobody is in sight… insight.

Tango – When it is hopeless

«Знать и чувствовать, что злое «никогда» – не просто слово, а моя судьба, что учит без надежды жить любя…»

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyooF_UTJAk&feature=related

To know and feel that spiteful “never” is not just a word, but my fate that teaches me to continue living with love and without hope…

A poem about Winter Landscape.

Surprisingly enough, I was thinking what I could write about Winter Landscape.  That was my homework for January.  Yes, that one from the calendar.

And that is what I found.

A Russian romance “In the Moonlight the snow is sparkling”.

Because it is Russian Romance, it is in the Russian language.  Obviously, but that is not the point.  I had to look up the word romance because I was not sure if I used it correctly.  Apparently, I was right and one of the meanings of “romance” is “a short, lyrical composition.”

But then I looked at the origin of the word and that where I lost my conscience. (A joke!)  The word “romance” stems from the word Roma = Rome.  If I take things literally and I do it quite often, just for fun, then a Russian Romance is a contradiction of terms.

So, all these meanings: a love story, a literary genre, the aura of excitement and more simply come back to Rome.  Literally, all roads lead to Rome.  Or rather all ROMANCES originate in Rome.  Or?  Maybe that is the reason why my Italian friend is so amorous all the time.

Coming back to “In the moonlight the snow is sparkling”.  This romance is neither about winter, nor about landscape, it is about Love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yFfX-UK9PI&feature=related

В лунном сиянье

слова и музыка Е. Юрьева

Полный текст песни

слова и музыка Е. Юрьева

В лунном сиянье снег серебрится,

Вдоль по дороге троечка мчится.

Динь-динь-динь, динь-динь-динь —

Колокольчик звенит,

Этот звон, этот звон

О любви говорит.

В лунном сиянье ранней весною

Помнятся встречи, друг мой, с тобою.

Динь-динь-динь, динь-динь-динь —

Колокольчик звенел,

Этот звон, этот звон

О любви сладко пел.

Помнятся гости шумной толпою,

Личико милой с белой фатою.

Динь-динь-динь, динь-динь-динь —

Звон бокалов шумит,

С молодою женой

Мой соперник стоит.

В лунном сиянье снег серебрится,

Вдоль по дороге троечка мчится.

Динь-динь-динь, динь-динь-динь —

Колокольчик звенит,

Этот звон, этот звон

О любви говорит.

My Next Calling

My next calling was discovered by my darling – “Mein Lieber A.”, Mr. “And your point being?”, “Mi Amore”, Mr. “I never promised you anything”, Mr. “I am Beautiful”, Mr. Denial (well, I am being creative with nicknames!)

I do have a soft spot for him, obviously.  He doesn’t reciprocate, but that is fine, it is to be expected.

He does not have such a good memory and my ability to pay attention and remember some of his words is the source of irritation for him.  Once he gave me permission to kick him out of his complacent condition, yet when I did, he did not like it all that much.  That is to be expected, too.

Quoting:

“If you wish to devote all your energy to keeping tabs on me on what I say then you may have found your next calling.”

I wish I had such sharp memory to remember everything he said, but I don’t.  But some things just stay, what can I do?

Certain sentences are repeated so many times, they become fixtures, motifs, cornerstones, whatever name you want to use.  “I never promised you anything” and “And your point being is?” are just a few of them.

Some sentences are just worth remembering.

“I never once refused not to help you.”

 

“I am beautiful.”

 

“I […] enter this forest at its darkest point; for it is at the darkest moment we see the light.”

How about that?

The best thing about him is not my infatuation, however sweet, intoxicating, euphoric and painful it might be, but the fact that he inspires me in a sense.  Is it he I like or my own reflection in him; for we can only see ourselves reflected in others?

Maybe I am not Light enough (my name literally means “Light”) for him to see, or maybe he is not in that dark forest anymore.  Maybe he never was there.  Of course, I am joking.  Most people (he is not an exception) take things way too seriously.

So my next calling is not to remember him and his every word, but to discover that Light within me that will bring me happiness and harmony.  Whether I can light anybody else’s life or not, we will see.  Discovering that Light would be my Success.  Yes, that one that is usually defined (limited!) by perseverance.

Talking about names!

“There’s a scientific hypothesis that every person’s name is a primary suggestive command that contains the entire script of their life in highly concentrated form. . . . According to this point of view, there is only a limited number of names, because society only needs a limited number of human types. Just a few models of worker and warrior ants, if I could put it like that. And everybody’s psyche is preprogrammed at a basic level by the associative semantic fields that their first name and surname activate.”
— Victor Pelevin (The Sacred Book of the Werewolf

If that is right, I must be Light.  The question is what Light is and what to do with it.

Quotes on the subject.

1. Love is not consolation.  It is light.  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

 

2. Someday perhaps the inner light will shine forth from us, and then we’ll need no other light.  ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

3. Light gives of itself freely, filling all available space.  It does not seek anything in return; it asks not whether you are friend or foe.  It gives of itself and is not thereby diminished.  ~Michael Strassfeld

 

4. We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.  ~Mary Dunbar

 

5. Light, when suddenly let in, dazzles and hurts and almost blinds us: but this soon passes away, and it seems to become the only element we can exist in.  ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

 

6. Light can be gentle, dangerous, dreamlike, bare, living, dead, misty, clear, hot, dark, violet, springlike, falling, straight, sensual, limited, poisonous, calm and soft.  ~Sven Nykvist

 

7. The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come.  At the darkest moment comes the light.  ~Joseph Campbell

 

8. Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.  ~Kahlil Gibran

 

9. Your life is something opaque, not transparent, as long as you look at it in an ordinary human way.  But if you hold it up against the light of God’s goodness, it shines and turns transparent, radiant and bright.  And then you ask yourself in amazement:  Is this really my own life I see before me?  ~Albert Schweitzer

 

10. An age is called “dark,” not because the light fails to shine but because people refuse to see it.  ~James Michener

Coming back to

“I never once refused not to help you.”  He did help me.  By making me amorous, by irritating me, by making me think, by inspiring me.

“Why do you want to be infatuated with me?”  It was not my choice, mi amore, but it felt good, why is it so difficult to understand?  But he does not have to understand; searching for the Light and Meanings is my journey.

So there I go, full of Love in my heart and Hope and Light………………………………..

“And Your Point being?” versus “Do you have a sense of humour?”

“Mein Lieber A.” (a friend of mine) and I had a few conversations and most of them ended up by him asking the question “And your point being?” and me asking “Do you have a sense of humour?”

I know he does.  But sometimes it becomes a bit frustrating when my jokes totally miss the target.  Wait, do jokes have targets?  Like cannons?  They do and they don’t.

I looked up the word “humour”.  Apparently I did not know all of its meanings.

“A state of mind; mood; disposition” – does not seem to be far out.

“A fancy; whim”

“Any of various body fluids formerly supposed to determine a person’s health and disposition.  They were blood, phlegm, choler (yellow bile), and melancholy (black bile).”

Surprise, surprise!

If you have to think of it, it might seem funny – that our sense of humour is derived from bodily fluids.  The word “humour” itself means in its origin fluid.

Maybe because humour is fluid and elusive.  I doubt it, though.

Well, anyways, the most common meaning of “Sense of Humour” now is “the ability to see or show the funny or amusing side of things.”

Some quotes on the subject.

Humor is the harmony of the heart. (Douglas William Jerrold)

 

Humor is the affectionate communication of insight. (Leo Rosten)

 

What an ornament and safeguard is humor!

Far better than wit for a poet and writer.

It is a genius itself, and so defends from the insanities.  (Sir Walter Scott)

What is humour for me?  Everything.  Salvation. Absolution.  State of mind (absolutely!).  My style of communication.  And without a sense of humour there is no mutual understanding.  Humour is my life.  My anchor. Or my wings? Oh, well, maybe a painkiller once in a while.  Whatever it is, of whatever quality (right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate, light, dark), it is mine and mine only, it can never be taken from me.  Well, unless I lose my mind.

And what is my mind?

What I mean is

It is very much a rough draft, but there won’t be a final version.  This is my diary, my writing space, and my attempt to get to the Point Of Things.  For that, I have to get out of the mess, I had got myself into.

So free writing in a free style.  Flying Free…………

I have been told and admired and complimented on the clearness of my thinking and the ability to express myself.  But sometimes when I get to be too clear, people get offended, so I have to learn how to use the words to do the opposite.  Cloud and disguise the meaning or just say something and mean nothing.  The best thing is, of course, to remain silent, but it is not always possible and that, too, might be regarded offensive.  Moreover, I have to work on my ability to resist temptation to react to whatever is around me.  Maybe just hold it for a while and take it to a different place and then go ahead with self-expression.  The best place is where nobody is around!

And then SCREAM: “What the F-CK!”  or “What a F-cking Day!”

I wish I had a screaming place, but I don’t.  Well, moving on.

Apparently, we miscommunicate quite often.  If not always.  We misunderstand.  Each other, ourselves.  We don’t bother to check once in a while if we use words in its proper meaning.  What are the dictionaries for?  Who cares?  I do.

Sometimes, I ask people to define or explain.  Not for fun, but to get to the core of things.  So we get closer to mutual understanding.  My words are balance and harmony, not f-words (like Frustration).  But mutual understanding more often than not turns out to be “mission impossible”.  “Definition Game” can be funny, ridiculous, or downright depressing.  People are offended when they realize that they cannot define even the most common words on the spot.  I know it is not such an easy task, to begin with, but it should make us think, find out, analyze, do some cleaning in our minds.  Clean our language.  Believe it or not, it is doable.

Cleaning

Let me call it Spring Cleaning.  But it is January, I have been told.  So?  Do you have a sense of humour?  What is sense of humour?  Whose?  Mine, yours.  Or mine is definitely or definitively of a wrong type.  That I’ve been told, too.  What is right? What is wrong?  Do you have an idea of conversations I sometimes get myself into?  But I am clearly out of my mind.  So is everybody else, by the way.  Out of my mind, that is.  Do I have a point?  There you go.  So, we have something in common, collectively being out of my mind.

You can relax, I am just playing with words.  The point is…  The point is Point Zero. 

That was one of my posts in the very beginning.

http://www.altrealm.com/english/conversations/2008-08-30/what-is-your-point/

What I mean is…  Isn’t it the hardest things to explain, what the hell we mean, when we ourselves have no idea.  Well, most of the time.

So, I am doing some cleaning in my room, in my life and at the same time, I just keep notes.

Let’s play a definition game.

Let’s define a…  Wait, what is a definition?  Why don’t I start with the definition of a definition?

I will make it short.

A definition is an essence an explanation.

Definitive is conclusive, final. Or.  Limiting, defining, distinguishing.

So, every definition is limiting by its nature.

Going back to the root of the word:  definire <de – from + finis – boundary>

Problem solved.  Define means to set or settle limits.

And there is example from the dictionary.

Perseverance usually defines success.

Reframing è Perseverance usually limits success.

I will not be defining now “perseverance”, “usually”, or especially “success”.  What an thankless task!  I am not quite sure if I made things clearer, or messed them slightly up, but at least I can laugh at it.  That is one of the ways I can entertain myself with.

Once a friend of mine, Oleg, told a joke and nobody was laughing, but him.  Being young and not always considerate, I asked him quite bluntly, why do you laugh alone?  Is it not a sign of stupidity?  He simply said, “so what, if nobody laughs, why should I refrain myself?”  Not only have I remembered this story for so long, but now I can see his point.  If nobody entertains me, I can do it myself.  And I had become an expert in it by now.

So, was it my perseverance that defined (limited) my success?

But what is success?  Especially mine?

So I came up with answering it like that.

Q: What is your point?

A: Point Zero.

You can take your pick.  Point Zero. Flashpoint. Freezing Point.  Sometimes when you make nonsense, it is better than being serious or boring all the time.  But, of course, it is entirely up to you.  So what is your point?